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5,000 student council campaign speeches and half-time addresses were recalled yesterday after a ground-breaking discovery was released in Journal Mathematica by acclaimed mathematician James Charles: a 110% effort is actually statistically impossible.
Mary Seem, student council president of Pine High, is one local student who had her winning speech from last year recalled. In the words of her classmate:
"Mary ran on a promise to give 110%. It seemed like she did - she fixed up the whole school, improved sports-game attendance, and worked hours a day on it all. But now we know it was all a lie, that at most it was only 100% of her potential. Mary will soon be in jail for her deception."
Of course, this discovery has left a lot of people in statistical limbo. Asks Coach Gordon of the Brown track team: "Well what about 120%? Or 200%? Or 230%? How the hell am I supposed to motivate people when all I can tell them to give is exactly what they have!?"
Gordon is not the only member of the Brown community who was disappointed by the news. Hundreds of students have expressed outrage as they watch their averages fall from A's to B's and from B's to C's due to the University's new policy on extra-credit.
Asked if he had ever considered the dire implications of his findings, Charles admitted his regret:
"It's not that I didn't think about what might happen. For a long time I really considered just keeping it to myself or burning up all my research or something. I just didn't want people holding themselves to standards that were unrealistic. I had no idea it would turn out like this though."
Charles is still debating whether or not to release his finding that Santa Clause is not real.
In addition to its practical pitfalls, the discovery has also caused quite a stir in the mathematical community. As Professor of Mathematics Vance McGill puts it:
"The real problem here is that if 110% is impossible, then, mathematically speaking, the number 1.1 is impossible as well. And if the number 1.1 is impossible, then all multiples of 1.1 are impossible. I don't think people fully recognize what a serious problem we have on our hands."
This "problem" has thus far manifested itself in the foreclosure of all 7/11's nationwide, as well as the complete existential breakdown of all people born in the month of November.
Thankfully, the loss of all multiples of the number 1.1 has not been without its benefits. Bus drivers across the country have rejoiced thanks to the shortened rendition of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall," and people no longer find themselves in Catch-22s.
Informed of the recent developments, Charles remarked, "Thank God! I just realized that I told everyone I gave 110% effort while trying to prove this theory. But if I did that then I didn't prove it! I sure am glad I don't have to worry about that anymore. What a relief."
