Partly Cloudy, 64°
A 16-freshman pileup has left the northbound Ratty walkway at a complete standstill.
“It’s looking pretty bad down there, I see a lot of spilled plates,” reported Ratty correspondent Peter Mulligan ‘27 from a helicopter overhead. “It couldn’t have happened at a worse place; this accident has completely clogged up the exit ramp to the ice cream machine.”
“Thankfully, onsite responders are reporting no serious injuries or casualties for now,” stated Mulligan, pointing toward the pile of immobile first-year students now spilling into the grill station. “But we are hearing reports of a potential milk spill near a kosher plate. If there’s any meat on that plate, that’s bad news, folks.”
At press time, authorities were directing dinner-rush traffic through backroad routes between the square tables.
