According to local sources, 17-year-old Devon McKinley’s Top Gun-Inspired mustache is starting to look more like it was inspired by that guy from the gas station. “I knew it was a mistake to take him to that movie,” said his mother, Christina, watching Devon trim the ends of his patchy, spindly mustache. “I was worried the movie would make him want to join the military, but instead it just made him want to look like he works at a convenience store. How do I tell him he isn’t Miles Teller without being mean?” At press time, Devon was stroking his wispy, elusive facial hair and whispering “talk to me, Goose,” under his breath on his drive to school.

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