Lily's articles
According to a report, the dorm that your friend group is going to hang out in is the stinky one.
“All of the rooms have different personalities, but this one’s personality is just that it is very smelly,” said Jenny Swanson, owner of a much fresher, cleaner-smelling room that the group does not hang out in.
Sources report that your grandpa is so proud of your big news that he is going to send out a chain email to all his old cronies to brag about you. “You never cease to amaze me, kiddo!” said Grandpa, adding the fellas from the bowling team to his email chain.
At a campus dance yesterday evening, it was reported that a DJ created a sick transition from one of your favorite songs to the worst song you’ve ever heard.
“When they started playing my song request, I got so excited. A lot of people got up and ran to the dance floor, too,” said Dan Waldorf, praising the DJ who was too busy switching it up with a quirky record scratch to notice the crowd’s response.
What a day! Wow, a real busy one this turned out to be! I got a real early start at 9:30. I went for a pee, and then I needed a little nap, because it was an early start, after all. Then I went for a walk, and I had to chase that squirrel that was invading our yard.
According to a firsthand account, a foolish bypasser just wished someone a “Good Morning” even though it was, in fact, 12:06 PM.
“I got some real secondhand embarrassment from that poor guy. He is such a fool!” said Theodore Goodwin, checking his watch to see that it was now the afternoon.
According to a recent study, your microwaveable stuffed animal actually gets kinda scared when he’s in there.
“I usually heat him up for like three minutes and that does the trick,” said Ashley Haverford, locking her rice-filled golden retriever in the dark, grease-stained box.
Another one? Didn’t I just get you a Chapstick? You didn’t leave it in the pockets of your jeans again, did you? You know it melts in the dryer! Alright, sure, I guess I’m just made of money! But it’s going to have to go in your stocking. You had a few less stocking stuffers than your sisters anyway.
According to a recent report, Katherine Shuster’s therapist said it’s okay for her to go out with Jason tonight as long as his therapist also says it’s okay. “My therapist gives me the best advice, and she said Jason seems like a good guy. He’s just getting out of a relationship though, so my therapist says it’s okay only if he is ready and his therapist says it’s okay,” said Shuster, texting her therapist a quick life update under the table.
Sources report that your sister cannot believe you ate the rest of that because Mom needed that for dinner tonight.
“What do you mean you ate the leftover chicken? Oh boy, you’ve really done it this time,” announced your sister, sifting through the fridge for the already-eaten meal.
Area middle schooler Jenny Hyder is announcing “Ewww! Never!” after being asked if she would date her crush of seven years.
“Me? Dating Kyle? Pshh, ew, no way. Never going to happen,” said Hyder, staring dreamily at Kyle’s new haircut, which is her favorite cut since the one he had in sixth grade.
According to reports, two local students stuck in elevator are waiting to see if they have romantic chemistry before pressing the “help” button.
“The elevator stopped so suddenly, and I was about to press the ‘help’ button, but then I realized the guy in the elevator was kinda cute,” said Cindy Garrison, admiring the trapped stranger’s height and twinkling, concerned eyes.
This Halloween, local trick-or-treater Jason Friedman is clarifying that he is not just Spiderman, he is Miles Morales Spiderman, to his elderly neighbor who hasn’t been to the theaters since ‘86.
“No, his name is Miles, not Peter. Peter Parker is from the OTHER dimension,” said Friedman, to his blank-staring neighbor who was trying to remember if he ever watched the original Spiderman.
POINT:
Brown did such a nice job on these new dorms, I love the design, and how the brick facades match the older dorms but also add a modern look to campus. These common rooms are like hotel lobbies, and you can see how it brings students from all different floors together to work and hang out in the evenings.
I’m sorry to hear your bike was stolen from outside of the SciLi, but lucky for you, your old bike sounds just like the bike I am selling, but it’s my bike, not your bike. My bike is also gray, and it is also that same brand. Did you say yours had six gears? Mine has six gears, too.
According to a recent report, Tim Carlton worked hard on not only his important chemical internship this summer, but also his patchy beard.
“The work I did with my lab trying to reduce the harmful toxins in farming pesticides was really interesting,” said Carlton, sporting a sparse map of spindly hairs on his chin.
Medieval peasant Bartholomew Chestershire’s butter-churning party is going to be a total bust after the death of his family milk cow.
“How now shall I throw mine butter-churning party with no milk? I hath spent a fortnight’s wages on a half dozen loaves of bread from the village market, and twas all for naught!” remarked Chestershire after tuning the fiddler’s mandolin for the evening’s music.
According to a recent report, that wittle weenie dog’s wegs are moving weally fast.“His wittle body is so long and his wittle wegs are so short,” said witness Alice Spencer, watching the sausage-shaped dog struggle to keep up with his regular-shaped friend walking down Thayer St.
Local eight-year-old Henry Clemmens’s lollipop valentines are going to get him way more dates than his nemesis’s sticker valentines this year. “Last year I brought in 3D valentines and Benji brought in glow-stick valentines. No one even cared that I specifically picked each card with the 3D Paw Patrol character that matched their personality,” said Clemmens, licking this year’s envelopes shut with envious fury.
According to his neighbors’ reports, Ben Florence is hosting a dorm Superbowl party next Sunday that is just a bowl of stale tortilla chips and a laptop. “The Super Bowl is one of my favorite events of the year, and what is a better way to get to know my hallmates than to invite them to watch the big game on my 14-inch laptop screen,” said Florence, shaking a bag of tortilla chips into a communal bowl and propping his laptop on a textbook for better viewing.
According to sophomore Kelly Wilm, the Ratty’s morning omelets taste better when the chefs are playing really sad music. “Yesterday, they were playing ‘Shut Up and Dance’ by Walk the Moon and my omelet was just okay, but today? ‘Someone Like You’ by Adele and it was so good I went back for another,” noted Wilm, waiting in line and hoping a Phoebe Bridgers album would come on before it was time for her omelet to be made.
According to a recent report, dorm resident Patrick Hamlin said ‘wow’ after discovering that his pillow is very yellow. “I was washing my sheets for the first time this school year, and I took off the pillow case and just thought, ‘wow,’” Hamlin said as he admired the bruised-banana tones of the once cloud-white pillowcase.
According to local sources, 17-year-old Devon McKinley’s Top Gun-Inspired mustache is starting to look more like it was inspired by that guy from the gas station. “I knew it was a mistake to take him to that movie,” said his mother, Christina, watching Devon trim the ends of his patchy, spindly mustache.
According to local sources, 17-year-old Devon McKinley’s Top Gun-Inspired mustache is starting to look more like it was inspired by that guy from the gas station. “I knew it was a mistake to take him to that movie,” said his mother, Christina, watching Devon trim the ends of his patchy, spindly mustache.
According to his children this Christmas, area dad Dave Hammond is also surprised about what is inside the gift labeled “From Mom and Dad.”
“Huh! Would you look at that! What a nice train set!” Hammond announced, eyes widening with just as much shock as his son at the newly unveiled gift.
Honey, no, I’m serious, you really don’t have to get me anything for Christmas this year. I know I said that last year, but what would you even get me, anyway? All I want this year is to see the kids’ sweet faces as they open their gifts on Christmas morning.
Sources on the Main green report that, awwwwww, an adorable new campus therapy dog is tearing apart a squirrel with his teeth. “Awww, look how cute she is!” re- marked student Jane Whitaker, watching teeth-bearing therapy dog Elvy bound after a traumatized squirrel.
Local woman Meghan Donovan has started referring to her regular depression as “seasonal” now that it’s October. “It’s just been so hard finding joy in my life now that it’s cloudy and cold all the time and my seasonal depression is kicking in,” said Donovan, ignoring the fact that she’s taken Prozac every morning for the past three years.
After noticing dead rodents scattered around the back of the classroom, students realized their seemingly old professor is actually just an owl in a wig. “It all makes sense now. He was always very wise, but it was creepy how he kept spinning his head around while his body still faced the blackboard,” said Jack Gunn, the first student to notice all the feathers on the floor of the classroom.
In an enlightening discovery, sources indicate that Cameron Perez, who adores his home state, is really just from Delaware. “You’re from the city? Yeah, well if the city isn’t Dover, you’re missing out. New York pizza is nothing compared to a slice at Antonio’s on Maple St.,” Cameron remarked, showing photos that could be literally anywhere.
Dog park visitors were alarmed this weekend after meeting a dog named Elizabeth who is cursed with the knowledge of how you die.
“Turbo, Jinx, and the other dogs wouldn’t go near Elizabeth. It’s like they could smell that there was something wrong with her,” said Flora Wills, frequent dog park goer, staring soberly into Elizabeth’s pensive, crusty eyes.
With the recent arrival of sunny spring skies and warm days, area small-talkers are thrilled to have new weather to talk about.
“Can you believe how nice this is? If it were just five degrees warmer, this would be perfect weather,” said small-talker Kevin Harper, delighted to have a new conversation topic now that the season has changed.
Sources report that area dad Dave Sullivan is two miles ahead of his family on a hike through the jaguar-infested jungles of the Amazon. “We’re burnin’ daylight. Better get a move on if we ever want to make it out of here by sundown,” said Sullivan, trekking toward the summit while leaving his family to fend for themselves in the jaguar-infested jungles.
This past Sunday evening, the nation’s moms curled up on the couch with a glass of wine and turned to America’s attractive male news anchors for consolation in the midst of the global crisis. “Anderson Cooper and David Muir are the only men I trust to tell me the truth about what’s going on in the world,” said Karen Greene, staring deeply into Muir’s twinkling eyes on her television screen.
According to a recent report, there is nothing sexy or mysterious about witness protection if you can’t even tell people you’re in it. “It looked so much cooler in the movies. Being a key witness had such an air of mystique to it. I miss it. This lifestyle is hard.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
