Sunday, September 25, 2022
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The Brown Noser

Lily Starrs

Writer

Lily's articles

Really Old Professor Just Owl In Wig | Sep 16 2022

After noticing dead rodents scattered around the back of the classroom, students realized their seemingly old professor is actually just an owl in a wig. “It all makes sense now. He was always very wise, but it was creepy how he kept spinning his head around while his body still faced the blackboard,” said Jack Gunn, the first student to notice all the feathers on the floor of the classroom.

Report: Guy Who Loves Home State Just From Delaware | Sep 16 2022

In an enlightening discovery, sources indicate that Cameron Perez, who adores his home state, is really just from Delaware. “You’re from the city? Yeah, well if the city isn’t Dover, you’re missing out. New York pizza is nothing compared to a slice at Antonio’s on Maple St.,” Cameron remarked, showing photos that could be literally anywhere.

Report: Dog Named Elizabeth Knows How You Die | Sep 16 2022

Dog park visitors were alarmed this weekend after meeting a dog named Elizabeth who is cursed with the knowledge of how you die. “Turbo, Jinx, and the other dogs wouldn’t go near Elizabeth. It’s like they could smell that there was something wrong with her,” said Flora Wills, frequent dog park goer, staring soberly into Elizabeth’s pensive, crusty eyes.

Area Small-Talkers Thrilled To Have New Type Of Weather To Discuss Now That It Spring | Apr 22 2022

With the recent arrival of sunny spring skies and warm days, area small-talkers are thrilled to have new weather to talk about. “Can you believe how nice this is? If it were just five degrees warmer, this would be perfect weather,” said small-talker Kevin Harper, delighted to have a new conversation topic now that the season has changed.

Dad Two Miles Ahead Of Family On Hike Through Jaguar-Infested Jungle | Apr 22 2022

Sources report that area dad Dave Sullivan is two miles ahead of his family on a hike through the jaguar-infested jungles of the Amazon. “We’re burnin’ daylight. Better get a move on if we ever want to make it out of here by sundown,” said Sullivan, trekking toward the summit while leaving his family to fend for themselves in the jaguar-infested jungles.

Nation’s Moms Turn To Attractive Male News Anchors For Comfort In Midst Of Global Crisis | Apr 22 2022

This past Sunday evening, the nation’s moms curled up on the couch with a glass of wine and turned to America’s attractive male news anchors for consolation in the midst of the global crisis. “Anderson Cooper and David Muir are the only men I trust to tell me the truth about what’s going on in the world,” said Karen Greene, staring deeply into Muir’s twinkling eyes on her television screen.

Report: Nothing Sexy And Mysterious About Witness Protection If You Can't Tell People | Apr 22 2022

According to a recent report, there is nothing sexy or mysterious about witness protection if you can’t even tell people you’re in it. “It looked so much cooler in the movies. Being a key witness had such an air of mystique to it. I miss it. This lifestyle is hard.