Sunday, September 25, 2022
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

19th-Century Pioneer Just Gonna Give Up In Iowa

Published Friday, September 16th, 2022

Abraham Hutchins, a mid-1800s pioneer en route from Boston to California is just going to give up in Iowa.

“Fuck it. You know what? This is fine. I’m fucking done, okay?” said Hutchins, stepping out of his covered wagon in rural Iowa, 1800 miles from his destination. “Honestly, I don’t give a shit about California anymore. Jesus Christ, this journey sucks so much! Like three people died of dysentery and we still have an entire year left to go. I’m just gonna call it quits here.”

According to trail sources, Hutchins was previously one of the most zealous pioneers in the wagon, but lost all enthusiasm for the trip when a fellow pioneer reminded him they’ll have to start saving water for when they cross stretches of desert.

“Be honest with me, everyone. Do you really want to keep eating beef jerky, plain flour, and shit-filled water while we walk across the whole country? That’s insane,” said Hutchins, pitching a little tent on the prairie and smoking the tobacco pipe he was saving for Sacramento. “Let’s just be done, please. There’s nothing wrong with Iowa. We can grow wheat here and live in a little wooden town or something, who cares? Let’s just fucking do that.”

“I just, honestly, I can’t hear anyone say ‘westward ho!’ again. I promise you, we’re west enough.”

At press time, Hutchin’s 21st-century descendants finally completed his pioneer journey by moving to San Francisco to work in tech.

Article tools

Search The Brown Noser

  • Loading…