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The Brown Noser

34-Year-Old Brown Men’s Hockey Player Finally Ready To Graduate

Published Friday, May 12th, 2023

Taking off his skates for what may be the last time, 34-year-old Brown Men’s Hockey forward Matt D’Alessandro announces that he’s finally ready to graduate.

“It’s been an absolute blessing playing with these guys and representing Brown on the ice for the last fourteen years,” D’Alessandro said, not acknowledging that he was really graduating because he was out of his athletic prime. “I never thought I’d be ready to say goodbye to college. But man, my knees just ain’t what they used to be.”

“I played a few years in a Junior Pro League in Winnipeg after high school,” D’Alessandro explained, the gray hairs on his head and crow’s feet around his eyes more prominent than ever. “And then I repeated freshman year once, sophomore year three times, junior and senior year twice, and PG-ed another two years. Man, it’s been a journey, but I’m happy to say I’ve enjoyed every second of it.”

“You do really make a lot of friends at college, and I’m going to miss them all,” D’Alessandro continued, not considering that most of his friends were over a decade younger than him. “So many of the guys I played with back when I started have families and shit now. I just hope my dad can get me an internship for this summer.”

At press time, 12-year-old child prodigy was definitely emotionally ready to start college.

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