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Sources report that 40-person unmasked tours have been floating through the University’s campus like medieval plague ships.
“Our guidance no longer requires visitors to wear masks as they tour Brown’s campus,” said admissions officer Andrew Marantz, as a tour glided by behind him like a barge full of lepers writhing on top of each other. “And we’re excited to be reopening our doors.”
Marantz clarified that the University’s updated policy for maskless tours was modeled after the disease-ridden tall ships of old, in which smallpox victims were packed onboard and sent into the middle of the ocean to die. Visitors to Brown must also wear a wristband.
“It’s really invigorating to see high schoolers and their families back on campus,” said Marantz as members of the 2:00 PM tour began rationing water and medicine in an effort to protect those still living. “It feels like things are back to normal, you know?”
At press time, unmasked students in the Blue Room gathered like a colony of typhus victims made to eat at the same trough.
