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Preteen residents of Cranston, R.I. expressed admiration on Saturday for local child genius Kevin Costello’s latest invention—a new method of jumping into a thorn bush that leaves the jumper at minimal risk for grievous injury.
“Every year, tens upon tens of people receive minor injuries from jumping into a thorn bush to impress their friends,” Costello said, his face and hands covered in shallow scratches from his most recent test. “If you really think about it, the jumping-into-a-thorn-bush technique hasn’t really advanced at all since the 1800s. We’re still going at it the same way Abraham Lincoln did when he got dared to by his friends.”
This new method, dubbed by its creator the “Costello Maneuver,” has been rigorously tested for the last four months between the time when Kevin gets home from school and his mom makes him go inside and do his homework.
“This invention marks the biggest single bound in this field since man first jumped into a thorn bush," said Costello. "It’s light-years ahead of what we previously thought was possible.”
Costello’s previous innovations include searching for answers to homework questions on Google and using everyday household products to hide ejaculated semen from your parents, both of which have been touted by area middle schools as “groundbreaking” accomplishments with “huge implications” on a global scale.
“Kevin’s always been trying to improve the lives of everyone around him," said classmate Elliot Davis. "I’m so happy we know someone who knows science and math but uses it to help people. He is unquestionably the face of 21st-century altruism.”
As of press time, Costello was grounded for breaking the thorn bush while helping his friends practice the Costello Maneuver.
