Partly Cloudy, 64°
The mood was upbeat across campus yesterday, thanks to the overwhelmingly alive, dumpster-free condition of Brown sophomores. The 99.97 percent non-dumpster survival rate put the university within 0.03 percent of matching an all-time high.
Department of Public Safety officials, who found bits of Steve Davison ’14 protruding from a dumpster yesterday morning, hailed the news of another successful day. “99.97’s pretty great,” said DPS Chief of Police Mark Porter. “If a student got 99.97 percent on a midterm examination, they would be ecstatic. So this is exactly like that.”
Porter went on to express his hope that one day all students could be absolutely certain of a clean, well-lit receptacle for their torsos.
Professor of Public Health Arthur Xavier explained the significance of yesterday’s events. “Even more so than the famous ‘A-Minus in Not Dying From SARS’ triumph of 1927, this is a testament to the extraordinary level of safety we Westerners enjoy.” Xavier continued, “And to make yesterday even better, I had an even number of students in my lab. Can’t remember the last time that happened.”
According to Porter, yesterday’s events put Brown’s dumpster-related mortality rate among the ten lowest in the Ivy League. The university is also ranked nationally. Porter declined to provide the exact ranking but noted that the numbers all look the same when you put them into Excel and make the columns really small.
This new statistic comes on the heels of Newsweek’s recently released college rankings. In such crucial categories as land mine removal, forest fires and proliferation of administration-funded hate groups, the university received a B or higher. This finally meets university goals set in the ambitious 2001 Master Plan, according to administration officials, although this cannot be verified as the plan was destroyed in a 2007 forest fire.
In a campus-wide email, President Ruth Simmons warned against complacency. “We’ve come a long way with respect to dumpster-related deaths,” she said. “But we shouldn’t stop there. For example, in a perfect world, those fifty grad students wouldn’t have been gunned down in the GCB yesterday. And engineers still keep turning up stuffed into that wood chipper.”
Added Simmons, “Like, all the time.”
