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The Brown Noser

A Day on College Hill Revamped To Eight Miraculous Nights on College Hill

Published Friday, April 20th, 2018

This week, the Bruin Club unveiled its latest plan to revamp A Day on College Hill (ADOCH) to Eight Miraculous Nights on College Hill (EMNOCH).

“EMNOCH is comprised of eight unforgettable nights, each designed to be the best of the students’ life,” remarked Beth Jenner, a coordinator of the program formerly-known-as ADOCH. “On the first night, for example, we will be hosting a pageant of famous alumni wearing Brown attire, hosted by Emma Watson and John Krasinski. Because we want this to be perfect, each student will be able to hang out with a famous alumni one-on-one and get their contact info.”

“I think I’m most excited for Pedagogy Night,” remarked prospective student Rebecca Velaj. “To celebrate the Open Curriculum and shopping period, there’s a Shark Tank event where professors pitch their class to us and we get to choose if the class is allowed to be offered. This whole experience is so much more extravagant than what ADOCH used to be.”

“Some aspects of ADOCH will remain,” Beth Jenner clarified. “Like the ice cream social. But now ice cream socials will be offered every night. And the ice cream will be Ben&Jerry’s not the generic kind. We’re also putting them all in a special admitted students DATAMATCH, but one based on a comprehensive personality test, that way each of them has the strongest chance at finding the love of their life on day four of EMNOCH. They will be sent to an all expense paid dinner date at one of Providence’s finest restaurants.”

“Every night is enthralling, but the last will be the grand finale,” Jenner explained while bedazzling 250 paper lanterns which will be laid out on the Main Green to spell ‘CLASS OF 2022 WE WANT YOU.’ “We are going to assemble the prospective students, then the lanterns are going to fly into the sky and form the words ‘FREE TUITION FOR ALL OF YOU!’ which is how we’re telling them that they’re going to get free tuition for all four years just for coming. Then each student will get a $10,000 gift card to the bookstore, and we’re going to turn the Main Green into a party as large and as elegant as Campus Dance.”

Jenner clarified that EMNOCH is only intended for regular-decision applicants, whereas students admitted through early-decision will instead have an invitation to Lunch and a Class In February On College Hill (LCIFOCH).

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