Monday, January 22, 2018
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The Brown Noser

Brendan George

Writer

Brendan's articles

‘Blueno’ Revealed to Be Some Sort of Failed Trojan Horse After Suffocated Bodies Found Inside | Dec 01 2017

Upon facilities management’s discovery of twelve bloated, rotting corpses inside the main cavern of Untitled (Lamp/Bear), it became clear that “Blueno” was some sort of failed Trojan Horse. “I heard a strangled cry when I was cleaning the windows of Ashamu,” facilities employee Jack McKerrick said.

Every Water Bottle in Childhood Bedroom is Actually Vodka, Student Rediscovers Over Break | Dec 01 2017

While home for Thanksgiving break, Joshua Carlson discovered all the water bottles in his room were filled with vodka, sources confirm. Carlson completely forgot, but is definitely responsible. “I got a jacket out of my closet and saw about twenty water bottles on the floor.

E.P.A.’s Scott Pruitt Doesn’t Believe in Climate Change Because the Climate Never Believed in Him | Dec 01 2017

At a recent press briefing, Scott Pruitt, Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, announced that the climate never believed in him, so he won’t be acknowledging the climate any time soon. “When I was a kid," Pruitt lamented, "I wanted a White Christmas and I never got it.

Oh, I Totally Thought You Were My Friend Rebecca Until You Turned Around, She Has The Same Jacket, I Am So Sorry | Dec 01 2017

WAASSSUPPP BABYGI—Oh my gosh, I am so, so sorry. I thought you were my friend, Rebecca. Do you know her, Rebecca Thompkins? I swear she has the same purple jacket as you. If you knew her, you’d totally understand why I made the mistake. This is so embarrassing.

Dove For Men Rebrands to Bloodthirsty Hawk For Men | Nov 03 2017

Explaining at a press conference that modern men desire more grit and violence on their cleaning products, representatives from Unilever announced that Dove Men+Care is rebranding into Bloodthirsty Hawk for Men. The product launch began with a series of sequential slides reading, “NOT A DOVE.

Straight Man Finds Creative Outlet in Zany Socks | Sep 15 2017

Area resident Trent Walker is expressing a new side of his personality through unusual, flashy socks, sources report. “My friends have noticed a change in me recently,” Walker observed. “My socks are different than most people’s socks. I’m different.” Walker believes his unconventional socks allow him to explore his own identity more freely, and he has made some shocking self-discoveries.