Monday, March 1, 2021
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Abandoning Calls For Community, Paxson Encourages Students To Become Fierce Lone Wolves

Published Friday, February 5th, 2021

As the University continues to encounter stumbling blocks in its response to the COVID-19 pandemic, President Christina Paxson abandoned previous calls for maintaining community and encouraged students to become fierce lone wolves.

“In light of the difficult circumstances we face, I urge you to sever your ties to your peers and fight for your lives,” Paxson said in a video message to the student body on Wednesday. “It’s a vicious, dog-eat-dog world out there. None but the strongest will survive.”

Paxson insisted that the only way forward is for students to prioritize self-preservation at all costs, recommending that all strive to claw their way to the top as they compete for scarce College Hill resources.

“Cheat, steal from, and dominate every person who stands in your way,” Paxson advised, explaining that in this life one either hunts or is hunted. “Brief alliances may aid you in your struggle for a footing in this savage land. Ultimately, however, you must trust no one but yourself. Make others fear you.”

“Some of you will not last long,” Paxson continued, as the video began to glitch and her voice became hauntingly distorted. “Mark my words, Brunonians, a new dawn is upon us. A new regime of the cruel and the merciless is rising.”

At press time, Paxson was urging students to leave campus, head to the woods, and heed their inner beasts.

Article tools

Search The Brown Noser

  • Loading…