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The Brown Noser

Abstinence-Only RPL Plans To Stock Door With Promise Rings

Published Friday, April 24th, 2020

Newly assigned Residential Peer Leader Tabitha Davies recently announced her plans to stock her dorm’s door with promise rings.

“My door will be a judgment-free space for students to start practicing the only 100% effective birth control method: abstinence!” said Davies, currently a sophomore. “Hey, I get it. You’re hanging out with a cute guy, things are getting steamy, and neither of you planned ahead. No problem! Just run out into the hall, swing by my door, slip on a promise ring, and commit to saving your virginity for marriage.”

“I know freshmen are curious about safe sex," Davies added. “To answer all their questions, I’ll have a handy poster on my door with quick tips on how to get legally married. After all, there’s nothing safe about intercourse outside the sacred confines of marriage.”

“I’m also going to host info sessions about all the fun alternatives to sex, like scrapbooking and meditation," Davies continued, noting that she’ll also keep a box of crucifixes and packets of holy water available for her unit. “And if you aren’t in a committed relationship yet, you can still make a commitment to Jesus!”

Davies added that in case her residents had trouble getting the rings on their fingers, she will have both lubed and non-lubed promise rings to choose from.

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