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According to the Brown Center for Career Exploration, any acquaintance who views your LinkedIn definitely wants to make sweet, sweet love to you.
“Honestly, I don’t think anybody will be surprised by this—it’s pretty intuitive,” stated Career Center advisor Craig Putowski, scanning his lengthy list of LinkedIn profile views for any particularly attractive and vaguely familiar profile pictures. “Personally, I only view the LinkedIn pages of people I’m sexually attracted to but don’t know well enough to talk to in real life. And that’s how everybody uses LinkedIn.”
“Oh wow, this woman that I saw one time at a conference just viewed my profile,” Putowski breathed, watching ecstatically as his LinkedIn Premium subscription renewed and his checking account balance decreased by seventy dollars. “She’s a total Providence ten. And we’re in the same industry. Wow, okay. So she totally wants me. I can’t see below her shoulders in her headshot, but I can imagine how incredible the rest of her body is—and her personality, too.”
“My advice? Turn off private viewing mode,” Putowski added, smoothing back his hair as he reacted with thumbs-up emojis to various posts made by the most good-looking of his LinkedIn connections. “They need to know that you’re thinking about them. That you’re interested. It’s sweet! Networking is inherently romantic, after all.”
At press time, Putowski’s ex-girlfriend did not accept his request to connect.
