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The discovery that all 1,500 incoming students are named Aaron shocked the Brown community, many of whose members now doubt the fairness of the admissions process.
“The entire thing is pretty fishy,” said rejected applicant Rachel Lewis. “I don’t know if this is a case of serious nepotism or if somebody lost a bet or what, but statistically stuff like this doesn’t just happen.”
“I’d hate to think that they just picked the first 1,500 names on their list,” said Aaron Aardon ’15. “I really thought my role as one of the four co-captains of the junior varsity soccer team would be my ticket to college. Now my admission to Brown seems like a hollow victory, one that wasn’t earned on my merits or my ability to take on a portion of a leadership role.”
Many students are concerned with the broader implications of these admissions results.
“I believe this is a clear sign of male-dominated social hierarchy,” said Lauren Heply ’13. “How many of those Aarons are women? Ten percent? Five? Brown’s participation in the continued injustices against women everywhere is appalling.”
Others question how the Admission Office came across so many applicants sharing the same name.
“I’m pretty sure I never even applied to Brown,” said Aaron Aaterstein ’15. “I’d heard that Brown’s a pretty liberal place though, so I guess its admissions process is just ahead of its time.”
But Dean of Admissions Jim Miller insisted that applications are evaluated holistically.
“The admission process takes into account many factors,” said Dean Miller, searching frantically on his iPhone, “including, let me see here, a student’s academic performance, extracurricular activities and, oh let’s say, how much money is won by playing their social security numbers in the Powerball lottery.”
“Do you have any idea how long it takes to read each and every submission?” asked Dean Miller, “Multiply that times like a billion, because that’s pretty much how many we get.”
While the fate of the University’s Admission Office is still in the air, incoming freshmen are at least grateful that they won’t have to play those ridiculous icebreakers in order to learn their classmates’ names.
