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The Brown Noser

Admissions Officer Lives For Sick Thrill Of Giving Vague Advice At Info Sessions

Published Friday, December 6th, 2019

Brown University admissions officer Brian Binnie is absolutely living for the sick thrill of doling out vague and unhelpful advice to prospective students.

“I can’t even begin to tell you how fun it is,” Binnie said, scrolling gleefully through a PowerPoint presentation of buzzwords and pictures of fall foliage. “The looks on their faces when they walk out of my info sessions… they haven’t learned a thing about what the admissions office is looking for. And that’s the only reason they drove all the way up here.”

Some of Binnie’s favorite techniques include recommending that prospective students be well-rounded but also passionate about something unique, advising students to be honest in their application and also to showcase their strengths, and emphasizing the University’s commitment to a holistic admissions process. “Even I don’t know what that means,” Binnie said with a sadistic grin.

“At the end of the day, we’re looking for students with a real love of learning,” said Binnie, barely holding back laughter. “Please note that the SAT essay is optional. But we like to see it. But don’t feel any pressure at all to submit it. But it may tell us more about you. God, I love my job.”

At press time, Binnie was tossing all of the applications from North Dakota into the garbage.

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