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In a recent development in the Rebecca Skylar abduction case, 8-year-old kidnapper Billy Hawser released a video in which he brandished a shiny pistol at a flustered Skylar and demanded a ransom of “one bajillion dollars.”
“Oh, this is just darling,” said police spokeswoman Barbara Dublin as the grainy video played on a small TV in her office. “Look at that; he can barely get his little fingers around to the trigger!”
Hawser, missing his two front teeth (from an unrelated kickball accident) and sporting an adorable lisp, stood on a stack of phone books and announced his intentions to “blow [Skylar] into teensthy weensthy little piethes” if his demands were not met.
19-year-old Skylar appeared terrified and enamored at the same time. “What a little goofball,” she beamed before receiving a pistol butt to the back of her head.
Police are still investigating the circumstances of Skylar’s kidnapping, but many eyewitnesses say that Hawser forced the victim, a long-time family babysitter, onto the back of his tricycle and sped away from the cul-de-sac where they live.
If negotiations fail, the police may be forced to resort to firepower. Hawser seemed ready for this alternative though. Said the adorable abductor, “If anybody even thinks of sthending in a STHWAT team, I’m gonna blow thith bitcheth brainth out!”
“Oh goodness, we wouldn’t want that,” replied Dublin, holding back a grin.
“All little kids like to play at the kidnapping game, but this little guy’s really at the next level,” commented lead detective Marty O’Donnell. “If he keeps up at this pace, we could all be witnesses to the cutest government coup in history."
When reached for comment, Skylar’s family appeared distraught and expressed their frustrations. “We only have half a gazillion dollars saved up. That’s nowhere near the amount that we need.”
