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According to sources inside the newsroom, tonight’s after-hours NBA press conference is getting all existential again. Shortly after losing to the Detroit Pistons, the San Antonio Spurs gathered together to answer questions from the press and speculate on what it all means anyway.
“We’re lacking in intensity, I’ll admit,” commented Spurs Coach Greg Popovich when asked about the weakness of the team’s defensive performance. “I really think our issues could be solved by adding a half-court press, switching to a zone defense or maybe discovering some direction or purpose in this randomized chaos we call life.”
Topics covered in tonight’s press conference have ranged from whether the team needs to focus on forcing more turnovers in the neutral zone to whether the lifelong pursuit of happiness ever truly arrives at a tangible destination. Some players even directed the conversation towards a sense of nihilistic angst.
“I mean, what are we trying to prove?” asked Spurs Shooting Guard Stephen Jackson. “We’re just throwing a ball into a hoop on a speck of dust floating in the astral plane. My sinking this three pointer doesn’t change the fact that we’re nothing but a few sacks of water in some galactic backwater. What’s the point, really?”
Debate also broke out when players began to question the ability of referees to call fouls based solely on fallible human perception.
“I just think it’s ludicrous to expect that humans won’t be clouded by opinion and personal biases when making these kinds of decisions,” said forward Tim Duncan. “Also, that foul call in the fourth quarter was bullshit. It was all ball.”
