Jesse's articles
Results of a recent poll revealed that 98% of freshmen dislike it when you crawl into their beds at night and whisper the speech from “Braveheart” into their ears.
The survey’s results show a slight increase from last year’s freshman class in the amount of people who wouldn’t want you between their sheets at 3:00 a.m.
According to sources from within the government, the Department of Buzzkill arrested over 25 J.P. Morgan investment bankers involved in a totally rad embezzlement scam yesterday.
The super dope larceny funneled millions of shareholder dollars into the pockets of Morgan top executives until it was flat out busted by the feds over, like, a technicality or whatever.
Sit down, son. There’s something we need to discuss. You’re getting older and I’m sure you’re starting to get curious about certain subjects. You’ve probably even been exposed to this kind of thing already: on the Internet, at school, even in the park.
Sources at his cousin’s wedding reception report that area man Richard Mantle leaned over and whispered, “This is our song,” into his wife’s ear, as Chumbawumba’s hit single “Tubthumping” began to play in the background.
While watching a primetime matchup between the Miami Heat and Golden State Warriors in his living room Sunday night, Bay Area resident Patrick Paulson adamantly declared that, had he been playing, he would’ve easily made the fade away three-point jumper that all-star Stephen Curry missed right before the buzzer.
Isn’t it precious? I’m sure you’ve been anticipating this moment with great excitement, and I can see you’re very happy. The birth of a first child is the most meaningful thing that can happen in a parent’s life. But that’s not saying much, since our lives are completely meaningless and worthless in the grand scheme of things anyways.
Local kidnapper Steve Frankel has established himself as a favorite among victims, who support his totally cool practices of letting them stay up past 9 p.m. every night and eat any sugar cereal they want for breakfast.
“Mr. Frankel’s the best!” exclaimed 9-year-old Jim Evans, who has spent the past two weeks in Frankel’s basement as police forces mobilize search and rescue teams on his behalf.
Professor of Theater Arts Charles Henderson delivered another incredible performance yesterday, pretending the students in his class have enough talent to make it as actors, sources report.
Henderson, known primarily for his role as the supportive and hopeful acting teacher in the TAPS department, stood up in front of his 18 students at the end of yesterday’s class period and stated that he believed each and every one of them had the potential to successfully act at a professional level.
Sources at the International TED Conference today confirmed that brilliant innovator Brian Walker delivered a dazzling and insightful presentation on the future of human technological progress while releasing a wild tiger into the seated audience before him.
A concussion during Friday night’s game granted Vancouver Canucks forward Henrik Sedin awe-inspiring psychic powers, which were then negated by a second concussion shortly afterwards.
Sedin’s head was slammed into the boards on a check by San Jose Sharks defender Matt Irwin.
Alas, my love, for you are beautiful beyond compare and I am sick with yearning. As I sit here on a lonely Saturday night staring at a picture of you, I realize with a haunting certainty that I should have stopped Cupid’s arrow in mid-air like I did with those bullets in my late 90s sci-fi hit “The Matrix.”
If only I had reached out my hand when I first laid eyes on you, freezing the god of love’s missile mid-flight.
Jacksonville University football fans were overjoyed to hear yesterday that their beloved squad of underdogs still has a shot at winning the league championship, if the team had been able to make playoffs. Coach Hanson and his team reported being confident in their ability to rise above the expectations that missing playoffs means an end to their season.
The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency held a press conference this morning to apologize for the creation of the Blood Eagle, a drug cartel composed entirely of miscommunicating undercover police officers.
“I don’t think any mistakes were made,” commented Officer Phillip Franklin, codename Lil’ Frontera.
According to sources inside the newsroom, tonight’s after-hours NBA press conference is getting all existential again. Shortly after losing to the Detroit Pistons, the San Antonio Spurs gathered together to answer questions from the press and speculate on what it all means anyway.
According to classmates in her NEUR 0010 class, Jessica Withers ’15 has demonstrated a complete lack of skill at the game Tetris during recent lectures.
Throughout every lecture, Withers’s utter ineptitude at playing Tetris is exhibited to every student within the first 20 rows of Salomon 101.
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