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The U.S. was left reeling yesterday as a string of five factory bombings destroyed the country’s entire capacity to design, manufacture and transport the pestles that are the nation’s lifeblood. Wholesale surrender to the terrorist group appears to be imminent.
“This is truly a dark day in our history,” said President Barack Obama at a grim press conference late last night. “Al Qaeda has exposed our nation’s only weakness: its tremendous overreliance on pestles for all our crushing, grinding and mixing needs.”
“There is no hope,” added Obama. “Time to start learning Arabic.”
“For decades, we have sought to destroy America’s strength,” said Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri in a triumphant video. “We took out the World Trade Center, and they only emerged stronger than ever. We fought them in Afghanistan, but they only grew more determined by the day. But without pestles? This is the day that the West truly fell.”
“And don’t anyone go trying to hand-manufacture pestles in some kind of home workshop,” added al-Zawahiri. “We’ll kill them too.”
A desperate inventory of remaining pestle stocks reveals that Americans have only enough pestles to hold out for one to two weeks before pestle conditions become intolerable. The military was rapidly moving to confiscate all pestles for the national defense, but privately even they concede that before long the unthinkable may happen: an American who needs a pestle may not be able to find a pestle.
“How am I supposed to dehusk my grains now?” asked Dean Axleman, a resident of Des Moines, Iowa, sobbing openly in front of his children. “Goodbye, democracy. I wish we hadn’t been destroyed by our own hubris.”
As of press time suicide rates were up 700 percent as Americans face their future as subjects of the caliphate.
