Partly Cloudy, 64°
Area Divorcee Fred Mackerel, according to expert sources, has effectively filled the God-sized hole in his soul with a combination of ethyl alcohol, nicotine and haphazard sex with strange women.
Shortly after separating from his wife of 15 years, Mackerel found himself in a spiritual crisis. “After Jane left me, I had to find something meaningful to live for,” Mackerel said. “We are all fundamentally broken. It just so happens that I find significant counterpoint inside a bottle and inside of other people.”
Scientists and other psycho-spiritual experts remain baffled in the face of Mackerel’s substance-borne self-realization. Said Dr. Timothy Gunter of Brown’s Department of Contemplative Studies, “We previously held that the question of man’s authenticity was best solved by surrender to faith in the divine or some secular ideal -— that mankind is born alienated from God and must forever work for a love that is impossible to deserve.”
Mackerel, however, has approximated such quiet faith with his drunken antics.
“Though the vast psychic wound was previously thought to be near bottomless, only to be healed by such abstractions as Love or Belief,” Gunter continued, “It would seem that Mackerel has been able to seal it shut with a 2-to-1 mixture of Drinking and Fornication.”
A recent study found that Mackerel’s God-sized hole has indeed been filled with few-to-no adverse side-effects. In addition to being well adjusted, he is in nearly perfect psychic shape -— a daily regimen of ignoring regret, repressing memories both fond and sad and willing away sadness keep his conscience running clean.
Gunter postulates that the medical efficacy of alcohol and sex is due to the fact that, “Unlike people or circumstance, drinking and fucking are always there for you, always on your side.”
