Tuesday, August 4, 2020
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The Brown Noser

All Dad’s Hobbies Involve Making Worse Versions Of Items Easily Purchased In Store

Published Friday, April 24th, 2020

All of local dad and self-described “do-it-yourselfer” Lou Nielson’s new hobbies involve making worse versions of items easily found in stores.

“I just woke up one day and said, ‘Lou, you have to chase your dreams,’” stated Nielson, proudly sipping one of the watery IPAs he made for far more than he could have paid to get higher quality drinks at a liquor store. “It might be a little bitter, but that’s just the taste of hard work. Craft beer is my passion.”

Working with the same confidence as a craftsman with years of experience, Lou decided to start whittling mallards in his garage after watching two YouTube videos. “I bet you thought I had a bunch of live ducks in my basement. They’re actually made of wood!” Nielson said of the malformed, carved atrocities.

“And you know what, since I turned out to be such a natural at the whole woodworking thing, I bet those skills transfer over to carpentry," claimed Nielson, embracing a level of hubris previously unknown to man. "Honestly, I could probably flip a house by myself at this point.”

At press time, Nielson was about to pull the trigger on a $900 model plane kit, which he will work on exactly four times before getting frustrated and giving up.

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