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Feeling relieved that he would not have to attend his graduation in a building where people believe infants should be baptized at birth, anabaptist senior Hans Hoffman is grateful that this year’s virtual ceremony will not take place at the First Baptist Church of Providence.
“I’m absolutely relieved that graduation is virtual this year and I won’t be forced to spend two entire hours in that dreadful Baptist church,” said Hoffman, expressing the longstanding feud between the two branches of Protestant Christianity. “I just couldn’t imagine myself sitting in a church that baptizes infants at birth instead of waiting for them to freely profess their faith in Christ during adulthood.”
“Why would I want to spend the most important day of my life associating with a sect of Christianity that believes in justification by faith?” continued Hoffman, questioning the commencement tradition that celebrates the undergraduate experience through different cultural ceremonies. “I’m absolutely thrilled that I can leave this university without spending a second in a building that perpetuates the legacies of such abhorrent separatists as John Smyth.”
“I never understood why Brown would entertain a faith that does not believe in a communal way of living,” added Hoffman, worried that the alumni speaker and musical performances traditionally held in the church on Benefit Street might have corrupted a whole generation of Brown graduates. “I’d much prefer an anabaptist ceremony that celebrates the equal use of property and desire to use coercive measures to maintain social order.”
At press time, Hoffman was glad he could mute himself during the Alma Mater so nobody would have to hear him sing.
