Residents of Spruce Street in Barrington report that they are constantly being woken by an annoying-ass bird which wants nothing but to herald fine mornings with its jubilant song. “Can that thing just shut up?” said Evan Prendor, as the sparrow outside his window sang in clear, sweet tones of the coming of a fresh day upon this verdant earth. “What the hell is its problem? It needs to chill the fuck out.” At press time, Prendor found the delicate little nest the bird had made on the bough of an oak tree and knocked it down with a rake.

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