Tuesday, January 25, 2022
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Anticipating Return To Full Campus Activity, University Prepares Graphic In Which “Brown Takes Care” Bear Is Mercilessly Executed

Published Friday, April 9th, 2021

Anticipating a return to residential life and in-person class this fall, Brown’s COVID response team has been solemnly preparing a graphic in which the “Brown Takes Care” bear is mercilessly executed.

“We love the little guy… but his time has come,” said the bear’s designer Justine McCormick, stifling a sob as she shakily dragged her mouse to insert a guillotine graphic next to the beloved cartoon mascot. “We don’t need him anymore. Going forward, he can only hold us back.”

Although the depiction of a bear participating in COVID-safe activities has adorned University materials since the summer, Brown recently determined that the lovable animal must be exterminated alongside a gradual return to safe, in-person events.

“We didn’t want it to end this way,” McCormick said, regretfully illustrating a single tear rolling down the bear’s innocent face as the end of his life drew near. “But the world is returning to normal. He couldn’t adjust in this environment. It’s the most humane thing to do. All he’s ever known is masks, isolation, and stretching his arms to show how far six feet is. He would crumble out there in the real world. It’s time.”

“Rest easy, friend,” McCormick choked out, clenching her eyes shut as she pressed “Save” on the new graphic. “I’ll see you on the other side.”

At press time, McCormick was loudly wailing as she screen printed the design onto thousands of pairs of socks.

Article tools

Search The Brown Noser

  • Loading…