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Noting that people simultaneously exhibited scrunched-up noses and coy smiles, sources confirmed that visitors to the SeaWorld Shrimp Tank were both disgusted and aroused.
“It’s revolting! I love how there’s so many shrimp and they’re so tightly packed,” aquarium-goer Hal Pittack told reporters as he cocked his head to the side and bit his lip. “Ew, look at their little bodies pushing up against each other as they fight for swimming room. Their bulging eyes filled with pleasure—ugh, dead eyes like squishy black rocks.”
“The way they squirm is disgusting. Maybe I’ll stay a little longer,” Pittack added as he blushed and stepped closer to the tank.
The 350-foot long and wide Shrimp Tank, filled solely with thousands of shrimp, has become SeaWorld’s most lucrative and polarizing feature. Sources report that the room regularly overcrowds because of visitors demanding readmission after having just left the exhibit. The room has broken the theme park company’s longest line record and caused a spike in both employee applications and resignations.
SeaWorld employee Pat Quincy told reporters that cleaning the tank was the worst part of his week. “We have to fish the shrimp out with a net and pour them into a temporary tank. The stench is so suffocating, it’s delicious” said Quincy as he lowered his voice and massaged his neck. “The tank’s so full to bursting that the smaller ones get crushed by the force of all those shrimp spooning each other. It’s just a thick mass of wet shrimp moving as much as the tank allows. My job is to remove the dead ones—I hate it because there’s so many.”
“Oh, and I fucking love how the tank water gets so cloudy by the end of the week that you can’t even see the shrimp anymore,” Quincy added before running to vomit in the bathroom.
At press time, the gift shop filled with parents debating whether or not it was appropriate to buy their children shrimp stuffed animals.
