Emma's articles
Laughing giddily as he swung his legs back and forth in the air, local lifeguard Lancey Montapicho screamed out that he loved his special chair.
“It’s tall, white, and mine!” Montapicho excitedly told the ocean, lovingly repositioning the towel draped over the back of his special chair so his back would not get too warm.
Sources report that the Sheppe family’s dog is so loyal to mom that he might as well belong to her alone. “Laura walks, feeds, and plays with Lucky every day. She puts in the work and her reward is being #1 in that dog’s heart,” her husband said, adding that the few hours he spends in the backyard with Lucky every weekend are not enough to change the hierarchy of love.
It was night, and we were outside. My father tied my arms and legs together and told me to kneel. My closest friends and relatives made a circle around us, chanting, “Bitch pig! Bitch pig!” Then my father shot me point-blank in the head.
Yes, my name is Puvo The Magnificent, but before you jump to any conclusions, I want to make something very, very clear. I am not a magician.
Write that down if you must.
Puvo The Magnificent is my given name. Check my birth certificate if you don’t believe me! When I introduce myself to a new person I tell them my full name.
Admitting his surprise that the expedition was spent successfully killing animals rather than just crouching in bushes, area father Greg Matchers came home on Tuesday deeply disturbed by his son’s natural hunting talent.
“I was hoping we’d get one deer on the last day, but that was a serious underestimation of Luke’s ability,” Matchers said in disbelief as he recounted how comfortable his son’s finger sat on the rifle trigger.
Saying he felt like a lesser man for not being able to figure out he had mono, a shaken Dave Roberts admitted to reporters on Thursday that he felt emasculated by his doctor’s superior knowledge of his own body. “Doctor Markowitz checked the swollen glands on my neck with more familiarity and comfort than I’ve ever had in my 37 years with my physical self,” Roberts said after ripping off the Band-Aid that reminded him he had no choice in getting his blood drawn and that he was entirely ignorant of how that blood was to be tested.
Screaming phrases like “What!”, “Wow!”, and “Incredible!” as he stepped from the dark hall to the sunny front porch, local man Ewan Peggers told reporters last Tuesday that he can’t help but scream with pure joy every single time his transition glasses transition.
Confronting each other with fists clenched around as many water-filled plastic bags as they could carry, everyone at the local carnival Saturday night was frantically giving away free fish, sources confirmed.
Fish were reportedly shoved into the hands of carnival-goers trying to buy cotton candy, offered up at the skeeball area as prizes one did not have to win, and forced upon those turning corners in the funhouse.
Admitting to reporters that she had not expected she would be going it alone, sources confirmed that Aunt Patricia was the only person on molly at her nephew David’s bar mitzvah.
“I’d assumed that my family members also wanted to spice things up for the trillionth bar mitzvah we’ve been through, but I guess we’re not all on the same page,” Aunt Patricia told reporters, pausing to guzzle down water and wipe sweat off her brow.
According to sources inside the Eastchester New York Sports Club, everyone in the gym is moving as if exercising on ellipticals.
“Doesn’t matter if gym members are working out on treadmills, StairMasters or weight machines because they’re all swinging their legs and arms back and forth as if using ellipticals on level two resistance,” spin instructor Davin Creeley told reporters as he sped down the hallway as if exercising on a moving elliptical.
Taking a deep breath and pushing through paralyzing fear, Chris Kobbly ’16 expressed his absolute conviction that he was not actually naked in lecture and this was all just a bad dream.
“I won’t be tricked into believing this is happening,” Kobbly said in response to classmates pointing and giggling uncomfortably at him.
According to a recent study released by the Department of Motor Vehicles, 90 percent of stolen cars are taken in the brief seconds between unlocking and reaching the driver’s side door.
“We have found that the vast majority of car thefts occur after the unlock button beeps and before the owner’s hand touches the door handle, around the time it takes to walk 15 feet,” said study researcher Sally Feekler, adding that victims of such thefts report seeing a stranger sprint towards the car and slip into the driver’s seat within seconds of the unlock button sounding.
According to word around campus, cool guy Mikey Blakeshack ’17 is always surfing to class.
“My morning doesn’t begin until Blakeshack surfs through the doors of lecture hall and rides a wave down to his seat of choice,” classmate Brooke David ’17 told reporters, adding that the room erupts in applause if Blakeshack decides to indulge his fans and splash the professor.
Noting that no insult could cover the scope of his strangeness, neighbors confirmed last Tuesday that the snake curled around area 27-year-old Mark Shively’s neck was not the weirdest thing about him. “He wears that Albino Corn Snake like a scarf and feeds it sandwiches,” said PTA President Sandra Kaplan, adding that Shively is also known for loudly complaining about the weather in his parked yellow Kia convertible.
Noting that people simultaneously exhibited scrunched-up noses and coy smiles, sources confirmed that visitors to the SeaWorld Shrimp Tank were both disgusted and aroused.
“It’s revolting! I love how there’s so many shrimp and they’re so tightly packed,” aquarium-goer Hal Pittack told reporters as he cocked his head to the side and bit his lip.
Claiming that he’s already accomplished far more than his predecessor, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert A. McDonald told reporters last Wednesday that he has fucked so many veterans, more than you would believe. “Veterans Affairs. It means veterans have affairs with me.
Calling animal welfare a core concern of Kraft Foods, CEO John Cahill reassured consumers last Tuesday that Oscar Mayer pigs play in open fields with chihuahuas and become YouTube famous before they are slaughtered, sent down a conveyer belt, and made into hot dogs.
Calling cornish game hen perfect for an easy family dinner, sources confirmed that host of cooking show “Miranda Meals Now” was continuing the program like she didn’t just cut her finger off.
“I’m going to let you in on my little trick—cut a whole lemon into quarters and stick it right in the middle of the hen for some yummy citrus bite”, the Food Network chef explained loudly, using her finger stub to squeeze lemon juice over the animal carcass.
Lauded by critics as a groundbreaking anti-heroine, sources confirmed yesterday that the female protagonist in new drama “Aurelius Is Burning” wears a leather jacket and has trust issues.
“She’s clever, cold, and despises men,” reports A.O.
Admitting that smug middle schoolers could not sully the pleasures of a community coming together in prayer, sources confirmed Saturday night that 49-year-old David Shribner’s hatred for bar mitzvah parties was outweighed by his unquenchable thirst for the delicious taste of sweet Torah.
When I ride the subway I slouch in my seat and stretch my knees wide. I often take up two or three seats at a time, forcing women and the elderly to stand. Sound familiar? Yes, I am a “manspreader." Maybe this makes me inconsiderate, but I wouldn’t spread my legs if I didn’t need to.
Area man Mike Haddon reportedly spent last Wednesday showing his high school aged daughter, Sarah Haddon, around his alma mater, nostalgically pointing out the food truck where he ordered late-night burritos to eat alone in his room.
“I can’t believe Marty’s still exists! I must’ve walked to this truck in my pajama pants at least four nights a week,” Haddon told his daughter excitedly, smiling upon remembering the time he ate a large burrito in five minutes, in the dark, so he would not wake his sleeping roommate.
Shaking his head in disappointment and claiming he had been misinformed, newly elected mayor Jorge Elorza told reporters last Wednesday that he was surprised to learn he would not begin wearing a top hat upon assuming office. “I was under the impression that Marshall Greenwald—the best hatmaker in Providence—was on his way over to the State House to take my head measurements,“ Elorza said incredulously as he wistfully stowed a gold-handled cane in the locked drawer of his desk and told aids to cancel all the orders of three-piece suits.
Agreeing that their relationship is so intimate they struggle to form coherent remarks, Mark Rothburn and Jenny Grivner told sources today that they’re so close they cut off each other’s sentences. “We know each other so well that we barely let each other talk”, said Jenny before Mark could.
On a mission to make the streets safe again, local drug dealer Dave Malgarn went undercover as a cop to bust a cop going undercover as a drug dealer. Malgarn drove a police car, wore a concealed recording device under his uniform, and repeatedly purchased narcotics from the undercover cop in question.
Saying that it’s been his dream ever since he was a kid, new police officer Joe McDuff told reporters that he just wants to ride a police horse. “When will I get to meet my horse? I just want to hop up on a saddle and ride around town, maybe even trot a little,” McDuff said, after asking a fellow cop at the precinct if there was a horse division he could join.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
