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Following the recent unearthing of 7000-year-old stone carvings of Toyota Corollas from the Xultún ruins in northern Guatemala, archaeologists confirmed that, weirdly, the Ancient Mayans correctly predicted the 2016 Toyotathon.
“This is an incredibly confusing discovery,” said dig site archaeological expert Blanche Sumpter, scratching her head and inspecting an ancient depiction of a 2016 Toyota RAV4 beside Q’anjobalan script loosely translating to “Don’t miss your chance to get 0% APR financing before January 1.” “It’s beyond me how the Ancient Mayans knew that Toyotathon would offer such incredible deals this holiday season.”
Reports indicate that the Mayans also demonstrated a bizarre, prophetic awareness of the 2016 Toyotathon ad campaign. Extracted at the site were unnervingly accurate stone models of lawn chairs and George Foreman grills comprising a tableau of a foreseen tailgate before the 2016 Super Bowl between the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers. Central to the arrangement was a pre-Columbian Toyota Tacoma made of granite with a banner reading “Toyota: let’s go places” in O’anjobalan.
“Their understanding of what constitutes a good or bad deal on a mid-sized truck with 6-speed automatic transmission in 2016 is alarmingly precise,” said Sumpter, brushing loose rocks off of an ancient hood ornament. “How could the people of ancient Mesoamerica possibly have figured this out? Why would they be so advanced in such a specific way?”
Sumpter added, “A lot of their more vague predictions, like the 2012 apocalypse, turned out to be false, which makes their guess that Toyotathon would beat out other competitors by offering a $0 down payment, $0 due at signing deal on new crossover SUVs all the more baffling.”
At time of press, Sumpter was driving to the nearest dealership to lease a new Camry for just $299 a month before, as the Ancient Mayans predict, Toyota revokes the deal at the end of the next k’atun.
