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New analysis from archivists at the University of Virginia suggest that Hitler’s bodyguards must have been very skilled in their dispatching of assassins sent from the future to kill the then Chancellor of Germany.
“Hitler lived long enough to kill himself,” reported lead researcher Jennifer Richardson. “That means none of the many assassins that surely came from the future to kill him were able to finish their job. That’s a good security team.”
Richardson’s report went on to argue that considering the time traveling assassins probably had highly-powered future weapons, Hitler’s bodyguards would have to have prepared for attacks they couldn’t possibly expect.
“They probably watched the air for signs of temporal disturbance, checked for disturbances in Earth’s magnetic field, and checked the chronometers they must’ve invented and then destroyed before anyone else could have found out about them,” continued Richardson, adding that those were all things that might help detect time travelers. “Then the bodyguards probably shot them.”
The report also puts forth the possibility that when Hitler was 17, his art institute application was replaced with a superior portfolio, then switched back and forth an indeterminate number of times by other time travelers.
Additional documentation suggests that John Wilkes Booth must have fought off nearly a dozen time-traveling counter-assassins before entering Ford’s Theatre.
