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Providence Police Officer Lance Hendricks yesterday told reporters he has become unable to connect with others in any way other than through searching them for contraband.
“It’s funny, really,” said Hendricks. “I know a lot of people really enjoy everyday interaction: conversation, social networking and the like. But I really don’t feel at home with anyone unless I’m patting them down, frisking them, or maybe running them through the x-ray machine back at the station. You can only really get to know someone by searching them.”
“Hugs are okay because they’re kind of like searches,” added Hendricks. “But you can’t turn a hug into a search or the person you’re hugging might get mad.”
Hendricks has become known throughout the city for his gentle, non-intrusive yet somehow highly personal searches. He has for years been pushing legislation at the local, state and federal levels to grant greater searching leeway to the police. Hendricks remains an adamant defender of civil liberties, fiercely opposing government surveillance and racial profiling, with the exception of his support of unfettered searching powers for officers like himself.
“Policing is really the ideal line of work if you’re into searches,” explained Hendricks. “I tried dry cleaning for a while, but it’s just not the same; you can search the pockets, but without a person in them it honestly just feels more hollow.”
“Last week Officer Hendricks searched my house,” said Providence resident Anne Krimshaw. “He flipped through all our photo albums and said it seemed like we really cared about each other a lot. Then he just rifled through the kids’ old homeworks and left. He seemed happy during the search.”
Hendricks’s searches have raised eyebrows among the force. “It’s starting to become a real problem,” said Police Chief Chuck Stapleman. “He’s always butting in on other officers’ searches. He searches his neighbors way more than he needs to, from a crime prevention standpoint. He even searched me, just this morning. He says it’s to help me empathize with the people we’re searching, but I think he just doesn’t know any other way.”
“I swear I’ve been stopped by the same cop every day for the past two weeks,” said Ronald Geoffries ‘15. "At first I thought I was being profiled, but he actually seems okay. He says he’s searching for contraband but I think maybe he’s searching for friendship too, you know?" Police authorities clarified that Hendricks has always obeyed department policies against fraternizing with the subjects of searches, ensuring that he will remain friendless and will never wed.
As of press time, a disappointed Hendricks was having the phrase “search party” explained to him.
