Admitting that smug middle schoolers could not sully the pleasures of a community coming together in prayer, sources confirmed Saturday night that 49-year-old David Shribner’s hatred for bar mitzvah parties was outweighed by his unquenchable thirst for the delicious taste of sweet Torah. “Mark and Kathy better not be seated at our table because I refuse to get roped into dancing to ‘Get Low’ again,” Shribner grumbled to his wife as he put on his yarmulke and explained the night’s Torah portion. “At least Cantor Rosenbaum is leading the service tonight — she’s got the most beautiful voice and I guarantee I’ll get the shivers when she sings the Mourners Kaddish. Oh, let’s sit in an aisle seat so that we can better kiss the sweet, sweet Torah with our fat prayer books and get a better look at the congregation’s richly colored tallises.” At press time, Shribner was seen wearing ten glow stick necklaces and thinking about the night’s haftorah at the party’s candy bar making station.

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