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According to concerns expressed to his wife and close friends following revelations regarding the National Security Agency’s domestic spying program, area man Robert Branford is apparently actually worried that the NSA might spy on the stupid pictures of his dumb family that he sometimes emails to relatives.
The pictures in question, more than 300 viciously uninteresting images captured and emailed using Branford’s smartphone, consist mostly of shots of him and his children, like, decorating their Christmas tree or standing in a dopey line, and feature hokey captions written by Branford and his totally insignificant family.
“My personal information is, under the Constitution, private and confidential,” Branford said, referring solely to pictures like those of his wife and him posing in a local park, of his nieces and nephews riding their crap bikes, and of him and his kids tossing a ball around in a field or something else that no one cares about.
“We are no longer a free people, and this is proof of that,” he added regarding potential government surveillance of photos of him water skiing while on vacation in Lake Winnipisaukee.
“I mean, it’s just like 1984, except real,” he remarked, apparently with a straight face, implying that the government may be spying on 15 pictures of him and his brother just smiling on what looks to be some sort of small mountain. “We’re becoming more and more totalitarian by the day.”
At press time, Robert Branford could not be reached for comment as he was busy changing the password to his email, as if that would somehow prevent the NSA from accessing it if they wanted to, but why would they, he’s just some totally irrelevant dude.
