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Having struggled through his 33rd consecutive night of sleeplessness, Providence resident Mitch McCann, 29, told reporters that he now believes a lack of fruits and vegetables in his diet, together with his nightly reassessment of every decision he has ever made in his entire life, is the primary factor contributing to his chronic insomnia.
McCann reportedly reached his conclusion after realizing that his diet, mostly limited to frozen pizzas, microwavable chicken dinners and angel hair pasta, lacked ample nutrition. “I really think that if I start eating healthier, I can get back on a more normal sleeping schedule,” McCann said. “I also hope to stop incessantly rethinking every stupid decision that I’ve made during the course of my whole life.”
After letting a call to his cell phone go to voicemail, McCann expressed remorse over how infrequently he finds himself going to the gym, and how infrequently he calls his mother. “I wish I had developed a closer relationship with my parents. Last time I went over to their house I set the table and put the fork on the wrong side of the plate, and I really regret that. That image of a fork is all I see as I lie awake in bed.”
Dr. Mark Randolph, MD, also attributed McCann’s insomnia to the lack of greens and fiber in his daily diet, as well as his decision earlier last week to format his emails to his boss in Cambria instead of Times New Roman.
“When Mitch visited me in the office, he cracked his knuckles once when he was explaining the symptoms of his insomnia, and that was a terrible decision,” explained Randolph, reading McCann’s medical chart. “I honestly don’t know how he ever slept at night. He also told me that one time, he put the top of a sushi container into the recycling bin without taking off the sticker first, which totally explains why he’s not sleeping. I don’t know how I would live with myself after doing that; he’s the worst.”
“My insomnia also started happening when I bought regular organic kale chips from the store instead of the organic kale chips that I should have been eating, and then I breathed really hard in front of the cashier. She looked annoyed that I was breathing so hard,” continued McCann, covering his eyes and then slapping himself across the face.
“I hope I didn’t cause her to develop insomnia too.”
