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The Brown Noser

Area Man Digging Around In Napkin Dispenser Like Old Prospector

Published Friday, March 6th, 2020

Plunging his fingertips into a napkin dispenser, area man Howard Hoffman was reportedly behaving as though he was an old prospector digging for gold, rather than a man trying to clean up some spilled soup.

“He looked kind of desperate, and also a little angry,” said nearby diner Sasha Speck. “From the way he was trying to shove his whole hand into the dispenser, I would’ve thought there were some precious metals or gems in there, and not a flimsy piece of recycled paper.”

Sources reported that when further efforts to procure a napkin were unsuccessful, Hoffman attempted to force open the dispenser’s lid while shouting at the napkins to stop hiding from him. Speck also noted that Hoffman was sweating like he’d been panning out in the hot California sun.

“Honestly, I don’t think that there were even any napkins in there,” Speck said. “But he was definitely acting like an old prospector during the 1848-1855 Gold Rush."

At press time, Hoffman was seen staring greedily at a man two tables over whose dispenser had so many napkins the lid could not close.

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