Sunday, October 25, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Area Man Will Make Whatever The Fuck New York Times Cooking App Tells Him To

Published Friday, September 25th, 2020

Sources report that area man Brent Carmino will make whatever the fuck The New York Times’ Cooking app tells him to.

“I’m just completely at the mercy of this thing,” said Carmino, scrolling raptly through the app’s elegantly shot pictures of summer pastas. “What am I to do but make this gorgeous spaghetti with burrata and garlic-chile oil?”

Carmino explained that he feels absolutely compelled to stock his kitchen with halloumi, shallots, labneh, farro, gochujang, flaky sea salt, and a host of other ingredients necessitated by the app’s recipes.

“When Melissa Clark tells me to make a whiskey-soaked dark chocolate bundt cake, there’s really nothing I can do but start baking immediately,” Carmino continued. “I will drop everything I’m doing and grill some peaches if The New York Times thinks I should.”

At press time, Carmino’s Times-mandated roasted zucchini tart was tasting… okay.

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