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The Brown Noser

Area Man With Cannon Just Begging For Reasons To Be Fired From Cannon

Published Friday, April 19th, 2019

Lacking practical applications for the 10,000-pound pneumatic personnel cannon installed in his backyard, area man Chris Lippy has clearly become desperate for reasons to be fired from it.

“Do you guys need anything from the store? There’s a CVS only 400 feet away,” Lippy said, circling closer and closer to the cannon and explaining that the cannon’s maximum launch distance of 280 feet made the remaining 120 feet a pretty short walk. “As long as my shins don’t shatter on impact, I save two minutes launching instead of walking."

Once he had “just happened” to stop in front of the cannon, Lippy became suddenly agitated.

“Oh no!" he exclaimed, his eyes flitting wildly to the cannon. "I have an obligation three blocks away that starts in five minutes. I wouldn’t be able to get there in time if I walked.” Lippy then turned down an offer to be driven the three blocks, citing rush hour as he jammed his feet into the launcher’s smooth bore.

Monica Blatt, Lippy’s neighbor, complained that Lippy often solicited her with unwanted offers to use the cannon. “He volunteers to personally deliver my packages for free,” Blatt said, “But only if their destinations are exactly 280 feet away. And don’t get me started on when he ‘walked my dogs.’"

At press time, Lippy was praising the benefits of being stuffed in a box and sawn in half.

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