Sunday, September 15, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Luke Perrotta

Writer

Luke's articles

Soldier Playing Harmonica For Platoon In Trench Worst Part Of Entire War | Apr 19 2019

Reflecting upon their traumatic experiences in filthy trenches and on blood-soaked plains, soldiers confirmed that the harmonica playing of Corporal Nicholas Brand was the worst part of the entire war. “You can’t capture it in words,” explained a member of Brand’s platoon, P.F.C.

Horses In Two-Horse Man Costume Not Sure How To Leverage This To Their Advantage | Apr 19 2019

After three weeks of living undercover inside an enormous two-horse person costume, horses Sandalwood and Sugarbush have discovered that they are not actually sure how to leverage this to their advantage. Initially motivated by the prospect of participating illegally in human track and field events, both horses soon realized that racing humans isn’t made any easier if you are two four-legged horses restricted to hopping inside a suit mimicking the bipedal structure of a human man.

Area Man With Cannon Just Begging For Reasons To Be Fired From Cannon | Apr 19 2019

Lacking practical applications for the 10,000-pound pneumatic personnel cannon installed in his backyard, area man Chris Lippy has clearly become desperate for reasons to be fired from it. “Do you guys need anything from the store? There’s a CVS only 400 feet away,” Lippy said, circling closer and closer to the cannon and explaining that the cannon’s maximum launch distance of 280 feet made the remaining 120 feet a pretty short walk.

Upholsterer Psychiatrist Keeps Asking Patients How Couch Feels | Apr 19 2019

According to her exasperated patients, professional psychiatrist and amateur upholsterer Dr. Sara Cosgrove, M.D. only asks patients how her office couch feels. “What’s important is that you’re comfortable relaxing in this environment,” Cosgrove told one patient, “Which is why I went with this rich multitone medium-sheen leather.

Report: Horse-Sized Duck Actually Composed Of Thirty Duck-Sized Horses | Mar 08 2019

After ruminating on the hypothetical choice between fighting one horse-sized duck or thirty-duck-sized horses, deeply confused eyewitnesses reported on Tuesday that the horse-sized duck is actually a towering, skillfully-maintained conglomeration of thirty duck-sized horses.

Sticks And Stones May Break My Bones, But The Process Would Take At Least Two Seconds Longer Than Usual Because I Drink Calcium-Fortified Hood Milk Twice Daily | Mar 08 2019

I don’t like to be laughed at. Nobody does. And insults will wring my eyes like tiny dishtowels. But if you resort to force? Oh, if you do– know this: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but the process would take at least two seconds longer than usual because I drink calcium-fortified Hood milk, twice daily.

Whoa, Son, Have A Look At That Marlin | Mar 08 2019

Whoa, son, whoa. Have a look at that marlin. That right there’s the largest billfish you’ll ever see. I think this one’s a grander. Yes I do. A thousand pounds of the Atlantic’s finest. And she’s a fighter, too. Mackerel, tuna, squid– you name it, she’ll eat it.

Report: The Snake’s Out | Mar 08 2019

According to screamed reports, the snake is out. “I don’t know how it did that,” said one source, frantically checking their surroundings. “Did somebody open the cage?” When pressed, sources speculated the snake “Could be anywhere, even in the vents.

It Getting To Be That Time Of Year Again | Dec 07 2018

Sources have recently confirmed that it’s getting to be that time of year again. “It’s crazy,” said area woman Helen Mock. “It feels like it was just yesterday that it was that time last time, but now we’re here and it’s that time this time.

Hey Wilson, I Must Need Glasses Because I Can’t See A Single Building Named After You On Campus Anymore by Richard A. Friedman | Dec 07 2018

Hey George Francis Wilson, How’s Swan Point Cemetery? Are you bored yet after one hundred and thirty five years there? I would be. I myself am doing absurdly well. Though I think I need glasses because I can’t see a single building named after you on campus anymore.

Students Locking Bikes To Copies Of Brown Daily Herald To Prevent Theft | Dec 07 2018

Sources report that a record number of students have started locking their bikes to copies of the Brown Daily Herald so nobody will ever, ever steal them. “While two dozen bikes were stolen last week,” reported DPS officer Max Grisham, “Absolutely no one wanted the bikes locked to the BDH.

Disturbing Ancient Tablet Reveals Jesus Turned Way More Stuff Into Fish Than Was Necessary | Oct 26 2018

On Friday, archaeologists discovered an ancient tablet that imparted the disturbing revelation that Jesus turned way more stuff into fish than was necessary. “The Bible tells us that Jesus fed the multitude, producing loaves and fish from out of nowhere,” said Nina Cydzik, lead archaeologist on the site of the discovery.

Report: Otters Some Nasty Little Creatures | Apr 20 2018

A new report released by Aquatic Mammals Digest confirms that otters are some nasty little creatures. According to the report, researchers have discovered that many different species of otter, including the European otter, the North American river otter, the sea otter, and the giant otter, are freaky little munchkins.

Children Eschew Gadgets For The Enthralling Fun of Marbles | Mar 09 2018

Forget Apple, Google, and Fisher Price; kids these days are scrapping their gadgets for the enthralling fun of marbles. Marbles can be made from glass, agate, steel, clay, and plastic– but while the materials vary, the fun does not. “God, what a rush,” commented Carla Watkins, as her two sons’ mouths frothed with ecstasy.

When I Run Into My Dad At Frat Parties He Pretends We Haven’t Met Before | Mar 09 2018

I love my dad. He’s always been a supportive, loving father, and that didn’t stop when I grew older and went to college. Until now. Recently, I have begun running into my dad at frat parties, and he pretends we haven’t met before. Every time I walk into a party he is already there, ripping a spliff with boys one-third his age before seeing me and introducing himself.

Children Eschew Gadgets For The Enthralling Fun of Marbles | Mar 09 2018

Forget Apple, Google, and Fisher Price; kids these days are scrapping their gadgets for the enthralling fun of marbles. Marbles can be made from glass, agate, steel, clay, and plastic– but while the materials vary, the fun does not. “God, what a rush,” commented Carla Watkins, as her two sons’ mouths frothed with ecstasy.

Five-Legged Dog Not Nearly As Cute As Three-Legged Dog | Dec 01 2017

Sources agreed unanimously on Wednesday that Rudy the three-legged dachshund is way cuter than Buckets, the five-legged pug. “Rudy’s such a little sweetums,” mused Tricia DeAnthony, “He’s a trooper and I’m a sucker for that kind of resilience.

Useless Owl Dispenses Zero Wisdom | Nov 03 2017

Sources reported earlier this morning that the useless owl over in Cranston Park won’t impart a single piece of life-changing wisdom. Owls are able to both understand and speak with humans, and tell anyone what is best for them because they are old and have weird necks.

Shutter-Shades-Wearing Bro Tragically Unaware He's On Nude Beach | Nov 03 2017

Sources report that frat bro Graham Groban’s shutter shades are keeping him from realizing that he’s on a totally sick nude beach, and he’s not going to find out because his shutter shades are way too sweet to ever take off. Friends of Groban say that no matter what direction Groban tilted his head, somehow the bars of his sunglasses somehow completely covered up “the sweet spots on these honeys." “It’s, like, fine out here, I guess,” Groban said, sunning himself on a Bud Light towel.

Hard Times Force James To Downgrade Housing To Regular Peach | Sep 15 2017

In light of the Housing Bubble and rising real estate prices in New York City, James and his cohort of insect friends have had no choice but to sell their giant peach and live instead inside a regular-sized peach. “It’s difficult,” admitted James, trying for a smile as Mr.

Tech-Savvy Grandma Playing Dumb Just To Mess With Her Family | Apr 21 2017

Telling sources she is only playing the fool around her unwitting family, area grandma Sarah-Ann Hazelton is reportedly proficient in all things having to do with technology. Reports show that Hazelton pretends to be unable to log on to her desktop computer and insists on calling the Internet “the dot-com,” much to her own amusement.