Sunday, May 27, 2018
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The Brown Noser

Luke Perrotta

Writer

Luke's articles

Report: Otters Some Nasty Little Creatures | Apr 20 2018

A new report released by Aquatic Mammals Digest confirms that otters are some nasty little creatures. According to the report, researchers have discovered that many different species of otter, including the European otter, the North American river otter, the sea otter, and the giant otter, are freaky little munchkins.

Children Eschew Gadgets For The Enthralling Fun of Marbles | Mar 09 2018

Forget Apple, Google, and Fisher Price; kids these days are scrapping their gadgets for the enthralling fun of marbles. Marbles can be made from glass, agate, steel, clay, and plastic– but while the materials vary, the fun does not. “God, what a rush,” commented Carla Watkins, as her two sons’ mouths frothed with ecstasy.

When I Run Into My Dad At Frat Parties He Pretends We Haven’t Met Before | Mar 09 2018

I love my dad. He’s always been a supportive, loving father, and that didn’t stop when I grew older and went to college. Until now. Recently, I have begun running into my dad at frat parties, and he pretends we haven’t met before. Every time I walk into a party he is already there, ripping a spliff with boys one-third his age before seeing me and introducing himself.

Children Eschew Gadgets For The Enthralling Fun of Marbles | Mar 09 2018

Forget Apple, Google, and Fisher Price; kids these days are scrapping their gadgets for the enthralling fun of marbles. Marbles can be made from glass, agate, steel, clay, and plastic– but while the materials vary, the fun does not. “God, what a rush,” commented Carla Watkins, as her two sons’ mouths frothed with ecstasy.

Five-Legged Dog Not Nearly As Cute As Three-Legged Dog | Dec 01 2017

Sources agreed unanimously on Wednesday that Rudy the three-legged dachshund is way cuter than Buckets, the five-legged pug. “Rudy’s such a little sweetums,” mused Tricia DeAnthony, “He’s a trooper and I’m a sucker for that kind of resilience.

Useless Owl Dispenses Zero Wisdom | Nov 03 2017

Sources reported earlier this morning that the useless owl over in Cranston Park won’t impart a single piece of life-changing wisdom. Owls are able to both understand and speak with humans, and tell anyone what is best for them because they are old and have weird necks.

Shutter-Shades-Wearing Bro Tragically Unaware He's On Nude Beach | Nov 03 2017

Sources report that frat bro Graham Groban’s shutter shades are keeping him from realizing that he’s on a totally sick nude beach, and he’s not going to find out because his shutter shades are way too sweet to ever take off. Friends of Groban say that no matter what direction Groban tilted his head, somehow the bars of his sunglasses somehow completely covered up “the sweet spots on these honeys." “It’s, like, fine out here, I guess,” Groban said, sunning himself on a Bud Light towel.

Hard Times Force James To Downgrade Housing To Regular Peach | Sep 15 2017

In light of the Housing Bubble and rising real estate prices in New York City, James and his cohort of insect friends have had no choice but to sell their giant peach and live instead inside a regular-sized peach. “It’s difficult,” admitted James, trying for a smile as Mr.

Tech-Savvy Grandma Playing Dumb Just To Mess With Her Family | Apr 21 2017

Telling sources she is only playing the fool around her unwitting family, area grandma Sarah-Ann Hazelton is reportedly proficient in all things having to do with technology. Reports show that Hazelton pretends to be unable to log on to her desktop computer and insists on calling the Internet “the dot-com,” much to her own amusement.