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Sources at a group outing at Jimmy’s Bar & Grill in Providence reported Monday that attention-obsessed man Jeff Kilner would not stop talking about the miraculous heart transplant that saved his life just six months ago.
“Jeff was going on and on about the remarkable 10-hour surgery he had to replace his defective heart,” reported close friend Arnold Prescott. “He’s like, ‘Yeah, they took out my heart and put in a new heart and now I’m here, and I couldn’t be more grateful,’ and everyone’s like, we know Jeff. It’s all you talk about.”
Kilner reportedly went into annoyingly specific detail about the fact that he was facing certain death before he got on the list for a transplant, that his body could still reject the new organ any minute, and that the mere fact of his being out with friends that night was completely amazing.
“He kept mentioning that the whole ordeal has taught him to appreciate every moment he’s alive or some new age crap like that,” remarked another friend, Jessica Flobson. “We get it: the miracle of modern medicine has allowed you to live on despite the fact that you had fatal heart disease. It’s inconceivable and frankly astounding that that’s even a possibility at all. Now can we talk about the game?”
“I mean, I had to get, like, seven stitches when I fell down those stairs a couple years ago,” Flobson added. “You don’t hear me blabbering on about it.”
“Eventually we were playing a drinking game and he began to tear up and told everyone how glad he was to have these moments together, knowing that he might not be around much longer,” Prescott later remarked. “We’re like, ‘It’s a group activity, Kilner. Quit crying about your incredible surgery, your inspirational, life-affirming recovery, and your ever-encroaching death and get over yourself.’”
At press time, Kilner’s friends could be seen angrily conversing with paramedics after Kilner passed out from an apparent blood clot in his new heart.
“Another awesome time ruined by Jeff’s bullshit,” Prescott added as medics attempted to defibrillate Kilner. “No way he’s invited next time.”
