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Admitting to reporters that she had not expected she would be going it alone, sources confirmed that Aunt Patricia was the only person on molly at her nephew David’s bar mitzvah.
“I’d assumed that my family members also wanted to spice things up for the trillionth bar mitzvah we’ve been through, but I guess we’re not all on the same page,” Aunt Patricia told reporters, pausing to guzzle down water and wipe sweat off her brow. “I brought a bunch of extra tablets in my clutch with the expectation that at least Larry and Martha would join me in a night of fun, but everyone’s turned me down so far.”
“The highlight of the night so far is seeing pac man glow so brightly,” Aunt Patricia told the 13-year-old girl playing the game machine during the party’s cocktail hour. “Is it okay if I just stand here and watch you play? I feel very connected to you and love your dress.”
“She’s touching my face way more than usual tonight,” David commented after taking photo booth pictures with his aunt. “Maybe she’s just very excited that I’ve become a man.”
Sources report that Aunt Patricia spent 20 minutes telling her brothers of the pleasures of being on molly during the bar mitzvah party, including how easily she stomached the poorly written candle lighting poems and how beautiful all the lights were.
“We’re certainly all here to honor David’s hard work, but I’m disappointed by my family’s lack of commitment to keeping these events fresh,” Aunt Patricia said as she stood in the middle of the dance floor and covered herself in neon bracelets and necklaces. “Maybe they’ll wise up for the next bar-mitzvah. David, come here and let me adorn you in the jewelry of the modern Jewish king!”
At press time, Aunt Patricia was trying to lift David up on the chair by herself during the hora.
