Tuesday, November 13, 2018
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The Brown Noser

Automatic Flushing Toilet Needs To Calm The Hell Down

Published Friday, April 20th, 2018

A toilet in the men’s bathroom of the Sciences Library needs to “calm the hell down,” report distressed students. The toilet’s easily excitable motion sensor, and raw, unbridled power caught several unsuspecting individuals completely off guard.

“I just flinched, and before I knew it the bowl exploded into a thunderous vortex, flinging droplets in every direction,” Isaiah Brand ‘19 complained. "I left the stall completely shaken and a tad damp. That toilet just needs to simmer down a bit, yeah know? That was pretty unnecessary.”

“That jumpy toilet really needs to chill out and bring its energy level, like, way down," said Brian Beck ’18, another student startled by the temperamental toilet. “I had just barely stood up and the toilet, without hesitation, fired up. I tried to get out of the stall as quickly as possible, but the door opened inward, so I had to actually move back towards that turbulent pool of energy to escape. I mean, come on, that thing has gotta chill.”

As of press time, students had reported that the automatic faucets in the sinks need to “put a little effort in.”

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