Zachary's articles
Area man Jeremy Lynndoff guilty withdrew his finger from his nose while scrolling through the news Friday night, eyewitnesses report. The abrupt moment of self-awareness, and rapid extraction of a finger from his nasal passageway, came while reading a particularly grim New York Times article.
Eyewitnesses report that a man has gracefully dismounted his bike as if he were a swan alighting upon a tranquil brook. “This guy swung his jean-clad leg over the seat while still coasting towards the bike rack,” recounted one bystander, describing the deft swoop that evoked the majesty of a waterfowl descending upon its roost.
According to distressed guests visiting the Ferenzi family’s home, a terrifying bathroom light switch turns on the fan too. The switch, located in the downstairs bathroom, was terrorizing all unsuspecting visitors unlucky enough to find themselves in its blustery clutches.
Sources report that local Aunt Ada Dickens has gotten a dog, but it’s not one of the cute ones. “When I heard Auntie Ada got a new dog, I was pretty excited,” explained nephew Pete Monroe, expressing frustration that his Aunt had for some reason opted for a dinky breed with beady eyes, gangly legs, and a baseball-sized head.
According to eyewitnesses, sophomore Ernest Monray’s childhood bed has been completely annexed by decorative pillows. “I got home to discover that my old bed was completely overrun with these ornamental throw pillows,” Monray explained, grappling with the disturbing reality that his longtime bed had been conquered by an army of silk-brocaded cushions.
Sources report that Caliente’s new Snackpass discount is whatever you are willing to pay. The deal, available via the food-ordering mobile app, represents a desperate gamble for the Mexican restaurant as it attempts to break into the Thayer restaurant market.
Awed witnesses report that since subway commuter Frank Murphy is not holding a handrail, he must be endowed with the balance and coordination of a divine being. Murphy’s mythological motor control was put on full display on his morning commute via the A train.
Sources close to David Johnson report that the death of a ‘60s rock musician has catapulted the local father into the throes of existential distress. News of the passing of Marty Mackbarger, the 93-year-old former bassist of the long disbanded rock band “Muzzie,” had clearly shaken Johnson by providing a poignant reminder of life’s inescapable brevity.
Area woman Sally Beckman reports that the flashlight on her iPhone is being an unruly little fucker. “I’ll just be walking with my phone, and out of nowhere, it’ll just flick right on,” a frustrated Beckman lamented while motioning at the dastardly hobgoblin affixed to her iPhone 10.
Guests at the Millers’ house report that the family’s dearly missed cat Oscar has been forever immortalized in the password to the family’s WiFi network. “I really had bad cell service, so they told me to connect to ‘Miller Home’ with the password ‘OscarOurGrouch212,‘” said neighbor Bob Westwood, who later realized that the 14-digit string enshrined the memory of the Millers’ late cat.
Early this week, the Brown Daily Herald released a groundbreaking “Augmented Reality” story that simulates a world where The Herald is actually relevant. The article represents a new milestone for the college publication as it continues to embrace the immersive potential of digital media.
Sources report that Matthew Hornsteader, who spent his summer abroad, is absolutely nailing his pronunciation of pico de gallo. The student revealed his awesome linguistic aptitude as he was rounding out his burrito order at a local Bajas.
“Matthew freaking had it down pat,” reported Julie Monroe ’21, who was in line behind the veritable salsa savant.
Divers report that the balloon from your 3rd grade birthday is still fully lodged in an adult leatherback turtle’s gullet. “Our wondrous dive with these majestic creatures was shattered when we noticed that one poor creature had some red plastic caught deep in its throat,” recalled a somber swimmer, referring to the helium-filled balloon that you once gleefully released into the sky at the age of nine.
Sources report that one man recorded on a Big Bang Theory laugh track is just screaming. Viewers noticed the shrieking man during an episode that aired on CBS Thursday night.
“At first, he didn’t really stand out amongst the usual chuckles, chortles, and guffaws that the showrunners play to highlight situational humor,” recalled viewer Janie Oliver.
Diners at a local restaurant report that an area man obviously has a wine vocabulary that’s entirely limited to “dry.” The man’s pedestrian understanding of wine was revealed when he brashly decided to order wine for himself and his date. “When the sommelier asked this guy what kind of wine they wanted, he spent a few seconds scrutinizing the menu before requesting ‘something on the dryer side’,” a fellow diner recalled.
Freshman Alan Lickman reports that the latest ‘Today@Brown’ email is offering a merciless reminder that his problem set is not going smoothly. “Once I got the newsletter, which featured Brown Compost Club, a LinkedIn workshop, and Brown Aerial Arts tryouts, I realized I was pretty screwed,” Lickman lamented as he scanned the well-formatted digest that materialized in his inbox at 1:09 AM, cruelly signaling that his struggle through the multivariable calculus homework was now entering perilous territory.
This week, Brown University’s Department of Communications announced the launch of “Yesterday@Brown,” a daily digest devoted to all the various activities that you really would have liked, but never saw on Today@Brown or totally forgot to check out.
Sources at the Main Green report that, after more than two months, the last bus full of students has finally arrived from Gala 2019: Under the Sea. Eyewitnesses described the gloomy scene as students with sunken expressions, torn blazers, and emaciated bodies disembarked from the yellow school bus.
A meta-review has found that Brown Daily Herald survey data is dramatically skewed towards people who have way too much time on their hands. The report casts doubt on the BDH’s polls, previously considered the authoritative window into student life at Brown University.
A new report by the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) is just a single GIF of the Earth disintegrating into billions of pieces.
“This report is the result of a six-month multidisciplinary effort,” stated Dr. Rona Humphrey, one of the authors of the report.
Health insurance experts at The Cato Institute have found that sophomore Giuseppe Esposito’s superior healthcare system is neatly cancelled out by his excessive JUULing habit. While the Italian student has access to comprehensive health coverage, his fondness for the e-cig product means he will likely spend as much on healthcare as the average college student.
Sources report that the friend sitting across from you at lunch has really got his eye on your sandwich pickle. After finishing his own lunch, his attention immediately switched to your plate.
Oh my.
Just look at him. You can tell he desperately needs it.
A consumer advocacy group released a report today revealing Burt’s Bees chapstick is not actually made from real bees. In fact, the wax in the product all comes from Burt Davidson, a 64-year-old retired beekeeper.
“Our suspicions began during a routine quality test,” reported scientist Dr.
Airport employee Sarah Mendel reports that she spends her whole day fantasizing about hopping on the luggage carousel.
“I know it’s crazy but I just can’t stop thinking about it,” a wistful Mendel explained. “It’s just always there, humming away behind me.
Sources report that area man Trevor Gill recently displayed his Herculean strength by taking the stairs instead of the escalator. Witnesses at TF Green airport excitedly described the sudden demonstration of Gill’s unbridled athleticism.
“I saw him and it took my breath away,” reported traveler Sarah Bullock, recounting how Gill had surprised the entire concourse by bounding up the flight of steps.
While dining at the Flatbread Company, restaurant goer Jeremy Rosenstein momentarily considered joining a happy birthday chorus at a nearby table.
“This big procession of waiters approached the table next to mine with a candle and they all started gleefully singing Happy Birthday,” recounted Rosenstein.
Customers at Bajas on Thayer Street report that the man who expertly squeezed a lime on his burrito must have an extraordinarily sophisticated palate.
“When I first saw this guy with a lime, I didn’t think much about it because everyone gets one,” recounted Sally Pierce ‘21.
Vegan Roger Murray reports that he only smokes meats after getting drunk.
“Meat? I can’t stand the stuff,” Murray emphatically stated. “It’s the product of animal suffering and environmental exploitation. That being said, I will admit that after a few beers, I occasionally wheel out my propane smoker and smoke one or sometimes two cuts of meat.
Parents at the Roger Williams Playground report that a passing fire truck has sent the local children into a euphoric frenzy.
“When I heard the first scream, I was pretty alarmed,” reported neighborhood father, Jack Glaser. “But I quickly realized it was just this one 8 year old boy by the fence who was freaking out over a fire truck.
This week, Brown Dining Services announced the creation of a new off-campus meal plan that just includes Kabob and Curry leftovers from club meetings held around campus. “Our new off-campus meal-plan is designed to be an affordable option for students living off campus,” reported a BDS spokeswoman.
According to eyewitness reports, the manager of Shiru Cafe was seen closing up shop by stacking the chairs, gathering discarded drinkware, and then donning latex gloves to inspect the drinks for leftover genetic material.
“My manager always helps us clean up after we close,” reported Shiru employee Jeffrey Bauer, explaining what he saw while he was looking up from the register.
During a recent job interview, a Palantir Technologies recruiter casually threw in a question about the ethics of murder, reports Jack Rosenblatt ‘19. In spite of his preparation for a phone interview with the tech consulting giant known for its shadowy police-state dealings, the senior recalled being fairly surprised by the nonchalant reference to homicide.
After witnessing junior Gregory Bauer begin sneezing uncontrollably on the Main Green, sources reveal that even a 195 pound adult human like Bauer is absolutely no match for the minuscule pollen particles gently gliding through the air.
“As we were chatting on the Green," reported classmate John Collins.
Alright, get this: every single time I try to carefully sneak around, some rascal somewhere just whips out his xylophone and gets right to it. Every single time. No sooner have I started diligently creeping my way down a hallway, with utmost caution and vigilance, when this pentatonic prick grabs his mallets and starts banging away.
This week, researchers at the startup SuperMeat unveiled a revolutionary artificial meat that tastes, feels, and suffers just like a real flesh-and-blood animal.
“This breakthrough is a critical milestone,” reported Dr. Moratta, a lead chemist on the team.
Returning to school sun-tanned and energized, senior Joanne Murphy is counting on the vitamin D her body produced during the last several months to tide her over until next year.
“Once I hunker down to work on my assignments, I doubt I’ll be getting any more vitamin D than what I brought back from break,” lamented Murphy, who hopes her summer dose will keep her bones from decalcifying while she pursues a degree in computer science.
Neighbors report that an area man who named his WiFi network “FBI Surveillance Van” is absolutely freaking hysterical. The guy had been fooling the neighborhood and eliciting guffaws left and right since he set had up his network earlier in the week.
A toilet in the men’s bathroom of the Sciences Library needs to “calm the hell down,” report distressed students. The toilet’s easily excitable motion sensor, and raw, unbridled power caught several unsuspecting individuals completely off guard.
The Blognonian released a second iteration of Brown Datamatch results yesterday morning, and according to several individuals who participated, it only matched people with the blog’s staff.
“I was scrolling through and all of my matches were with Blognonian staffers,” said junior Kerri Slane.
Junior James Wright reports that an email that had appeared in his inbox early this morning with the subject line “Brown Aerial Arts Revised Schedule” was a poignant reminder of the openness and energizing curiosity that flowed through the early weeks of his freshman year.
Sources report that some critical review staffer definitely took serious creative license in their review of APMA 1740: Recent Applications Of Probability and Statistics.
“I think the review began with a Kante quote,” reported an astonished Laura O’Neill, who added that the course description was chalk full of fanciful prose.
The latest issue of the Brown Political Review is just a very glossy cover, report readers. The lustrous political magazine was distributed across campus earlier in the week, and could be found glimmering in stacks of 3 or 4 on most tables and shelves.
A guy walking around campus wearing a button-down over a t-shirt is not actually a Christian, report astonished students. Eyewitnesses initially assumed that Sam Wilson ‘19, who was spotted sporting a sky blue dress shirt tightly buttoned over a plain white undershirt, was an obvious church goer.
James Bateson 18’ reported accidentally picking up a copy of the Brown Daily Herald after mistaking it for a Brown Noser, Brown University’s satirical news outlet.
Bateson related that, leaving the Sciences Library on a Friday afternoon, he noticed a stack of sandy gray newspapers lying on a table.
This week, Brown University announced the upcoming roll-out of triple verification on Banner. Several faculty and students had raised security concerns about the site, which the university uses to manage student grades and registration. In response to those concerns, Brown upgraded the antiquated two-step verification authentication system with the addition of a high-tech saliva testing kit.
A table manned by a Christian group is trying absolutely everything to stop passing Brown Students, report students walking by the Main Green. Brown University Christians had set up the booth under Faunce Arch in the afternoon, and had immediately set to work courting students with an arsenal of trinkets, water bottles, and deep tissue shoulder massages.
I am well aware that Professor Andries Van Dam is an accomplished man. I know he invented hypertext, constructing the way modern internet users navigate between web pages. I know he wrote, “Computer Graphics: Principles and Practice” which became the “Bible” of the animation industry.
Cleaning out his bag in preparation for the new school year, junior Eric Meyer happened upon a weathered and ripped syllabus that reminded him of a time long passed.
“It took me a couple seconds to even vaguely discern what the torn, pinkish piece of paper was,” Meyer recounted.
Unable to find something interesting to do over the summer, junior Jonathan Brewer reluctantly settled for a job at Brewer Capital Management, a $2.4 billion hedge fund run by Richard Brewer, Jonathan’s father.
Brewer explained that he had been hoping to get an internship in a DC political office or at a media firm, and had submitted many applications, but nothing had quite worked out.
Having spent the summer getting in shape instead of holding a summer internship, senior Sam Irving returned ripped. “He told me he started heading to his local YMCA two or three times a week,” said Irving’s roommate Tim Bright, adding that he was skeptical of the number since it didn’t seem like enough to account for how positively jacked his friend had become.
There is a 100% chance that Summer at Brown high schooler John Milford will get into Brown, reports John Milford. Milford, a 14 year old participant taking “Learn To Program in 5 Days”, assured fellow students during the 1 week course that his acceptance at the Ivy League school was “virtually guaranteed,” now that he had gotten into the elite summer camp.
Department of Public Safety officer Stephen Monroe never makes it to good parties, sources report. Monroe complained to fellow officers on Sunday afternoon, saying, “Every night, I’m always super hopeful that we will make it to some raucous banger in one of the dorms, but without fail, I’m disappointed.”
Monroe, who has been with the force for two years, lamented the latest example of disappointing college nightlife, according to sources: “The other day, we got called to what was supposed to be something really wild.
Sources report that computer science concentrator Petra Shul ’19 believes no one can understand the horrors she just endured within the CIT.
Those in the vicinity of the Center for Information Technology reported that Shul, who threw open the building’s front doors and strode out with a black tote haphazardly slung around her shoulder, was acting like she had been through some serious shit.
Those in the Ratty Tuesday afternoon watched on in awe as an athlete in the grill line just kept stacking beef patties on his burger.
“As I was grabbing a bun I saw this big dude in front of me put a patty on his,” said Jon Horowitz who was in line behind the athlete.
According to witnesses in the basement of Faunce, the guy who brought his own pool stick isn’t that good at pool.
“He just stared at me so intensely," said James Reines ‘18, after he was asked by the guy to play a game. "That dude looked like he was ready for action, and he had his own pool stick, too! I thought I’d get my ass handed to me for sure."
According to Reines, the guy unsheathed the halves of his stick and gingerly screwed the two parts together.
Sources report that area mathematician Ron Edwards is nervous about the introduction of his forthcoming textbook. “I really worry this isn’t good enough," Edwards said, explaining that the introduction is the most important part of a math textbook.
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