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A recently released poll from the Brown Daily Herald was heavily biased toward students who weren’t hurrying to class.
“Looking through the data, major statistical discrepancies were found that indicated a wildly inaccurate sample size of students which disproportionately excluded students hurrying to class,” explained Jorge Mendoza, editor of the Herald, in between desperate pleas to students as they walked out of the Ratty. “The result has been an unexplainable standard deviation, with z-scores that over represent the unpunctual, slow walking, and low course load students of this campus.”
“It was really strange, 72% of responses reported having plenty of free time, and 64% of respondents had never seen the inside of Barus and Holly,” Mendoza went on to say, defeatedly throwing candies at passersby for whom he proceeded to fill out fake surveys. “To make the numbers make sense, we ultimately had to perform what the Herald calls a ‘statistical adjustment’ by conducting a triple-blind methodology, where even the respondent doesn’t know the questions.”
At press time, ResLife decisions were being guided primarily by those seeking to win a JBL speaker.
