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Area loan officer Allison Khan told sources that she was eager for her bank’s closing time on Thursday so she could open up the vault and swim in all the money.
Khan said that after the end of a long day, nothing feels better than bouncing off the bank’s tall diving board and landing in floor-to-ceiling stacks of bills and gold coins.
Though it is her favorite part of the job, Khan said that, with her busy schedule, she only manages to do it a few times a week. “Of course I don’t do it every day. Do you think bakers eat wedding cakes every day?” she said.
Khan said she had aspired to be a banker since college, crediting her drive partially to the knowledge that she would have unfettered access to an immense, locked room with piles of money to slosh around in.
“I love my job," said Khan, massaging several hundred-dollar bills into her hair. "I love meeting all different kinds of people, guiding them through the process of financing the purchase of a new home, or helping them get the capital they need to start their own business,” she added.
“But most of all I love locking that door at the end of the day, slipping into a stripy one-piece bathing suit, heading back to the vault and diving headfirst into immense piles of cash,” she said.
“Isn’t that the American dream?” she added.
After drying herself off, Khan confirmed rumors that she was in the process of securing a top hat and monocle.
