Saturday, January 19, 2019
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Duncan Gallagher

Writer (Retired)

Duncan's articles

Visiting Scholar Clearly Hasn’t Written Book She Presenting On | Dec 01 2017

Multiple sources from Tuesday afternoon’s Watson Institute lecture by Susannah Katz indicated that the international legal scholar clearly had not written the book she’d been invited to present, and was unprepared to participate in discussion. “She was totally winging it,” said David Gold ’19, who attended the talk for a class, adding that when one one of his classmates asked Katz about the highly specific conditions for ideal global governance outlined in the book she “clearly just rephrased the question with more complicated words and fielded more questions.

Makers Of Tea Bags Without Little Strings Expect User To Just Dig In There Like Caveman, Apparently | Dec 01 2017

A report released Thursday by a team of baffled Food and Drug Administration officials determined that companies who manufacture tea bags without those little strings on them fully expect the user to just dig around in there like a caveman, apparently.

“There’s a Football Game On Tonight?,” Asks Brilliantly Sardonic Intellectual | Dec 01 2017

Grinning crookedly to himself, sources report that wry intellectual Marcus Hanson repeatedly asked Sunday morning if there was “some kind of football game on tonight." “What the big deal?” said the modern-day Oscar Wilde as friends and colleagues headed to Super Bowl parties.

NASA: Super Blood Blue Moon To Make Last Appearance Until Super Mega Ultra Blood Blue Moon of 2030 | Dec 01 2017

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced in a Tuesday press conference that the Super Blood Blue Moon, the coincident total lunar eclipse and largest full moon on January 31st, will not be visible until a similar event in 2030, which they will call the “Super Mega Ultra Blood Moon.” “We’re thrilled to present these findings,” said NASA Chief Scientist Ellen Stofan, referring to the product of several consecutive days’ worth of team research and computational modeling.

Halfhearted Eagles Fan Flipping Bicycles to Celebrate Victory | Dec 01 2017

After watching the Philadelphia Eagles win their first-ever Super Bowl, witnesses reported that Philadelphia native and casual Eagles fan Joseph Carey celebrated by jogging around the neighborhood and flipping over a couple bicycles. “This is cool,” said Carey, as he pushed over a bicycle and modestly pumped his fists.

Obama Whispers “Radical Islamic Terrorism” Under Breath Just To See What It Feels Like | Nov 04 2016

Tightly closing his eyes and massaging his temples early Wednesday morning, a tense President Barack Obama quietly uttered the words “radical Islamic terrorism” just to see what it felt like, sources close to the president reported. At approximately 4 a.m., the sleepless president was seen tiptoeing into the bathroom adjoining the Lincoln Bedroom, where he turned on the faucet to conceal the sound of his voice, and whispered the phrase slowly and precisely while staring at his reflection in the mirror.

Nation Demands Some Sort of Gaseous Cheese Product | Nov 04 2016

Issuing an urgent appeal to the Department of Agriculture, Food and Drug Administration and Dairy Farmers of America, the American populace voiced the need for some sort of gaseous cheese product “immediately,” sources reported Monday. Consumers across the nation insisted that while it was not particularly important what type of cheese the product be derived from, how much it cost, or how it would be packaged and delivered, such a product is long overdue and well within the US’s technological reach.

Barista Utterly Drenched In Sweat | Nov 04 2016

Sources at Big Mike’s Coffee in Fox Point reported Wednesday that area barista Derek Meyersohn was completely soaked in sweat. Customers at the small coffee shop speculated that Meyersohn was approaching his espresso-pulling with such gusto that he was becoming physically exhausted, and sweating what appeared to be an inappropriate amount for the work he was doing.

Better World By Design Unveils Bigger, More Colorful Inflatable Thing | Sep 16 2016

The Better World by Design Conference concluded yesterday by inflating the biggest, most colorful thing created over the course of its nine-year history. The thing, which was described by both observers and its creators as even more colorful and large than the previous year’s big, multicolored inflatable thing, was set up on the main green for participants in the conference to interact with.

Commencement Hijacked By Enthusiastically Freestyling Lin-Manuel Miranda | Apr 29 2016

Composer, actor and playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda is hours into delivering an extemporaneous and entirely unsolicited commencement address, multiple witnesses reported this afternoon. Witnesses are reporting that Miranda, a notoriously energetic public personality and writer-star of hit musical “Hamilton,” has been delivering verse after verse of a witty commencement rap, laden with clever Brown-specific references, in syncopated rhyming couplets with no signs of stopping.

Seasoned Info Session Leader Can Pretty Much Gloss Over Anything By Now | Apr 29 2016

Info session leader Marcus Zimmerman ’16 told reporters Thursday that, after years of giving hour-long talks to prospective students and their families, he can pretty smoothly talk around just about any uncomfortable issue or pointed question that comes his way.

Banker Can't Wait For Closing Time So She Can Swim In The Money | Apr 29 2016

Area loan officer Allison Khan told sources that she was eager for her bank’s closing time on Thursday so she could open up the vault and swim in all the money. Khan said that after the end of a long day, nothing feels better than bouncing off the bank’s tall diving board and landing in floor-to-ceiling stacks of bills and gold coins.

Reenactor's Thong Visible | Apr 29 2016

Pointing out that its bright fuchsia color was not consistent with period style, witnesses reported Monday that area Revolutionary War reenactor David Batterman’s thong was cleary visible. Sources confirmed that Batterman, an actor portraying an 18th-century soldier at a reenactment the Battle of Quaker Hill, seemed either blissfully unaware or indifferent that the waistband—if it could even be called that—of his lace undergarment was sitting above the top of his thick, wool trousers and somehow well below his coat.

Dad, Son Both Hiding Weed Habits | Mar 11 2016

Sources revealed Wednesday that area man Allen Carmichael, 55, and his son Joseph, 15, are continually engaged in attempts to prevent the other from discovering their marijuana habits. Despite living on the same floor of the same house and spending hours of each day together, both individuals remain entirely unaware of the other’s nagging compulsion to smoke, ingest or otherwise consume cannabis, sources close to the father-son pair said.

Report: Only 15 Percent Of White House Interns End Up Being President | Dec 04 2015

Calling their findings “bewildering,” a team of researchers from the Bureau of Labor Statistics released a report Monday finding that a mere 15.2 percent of college students who complete summer internships at the White House go on to become President of the United States at some future point.

Jeb Bush Polling Poorly Among New Hampshire's Hispanic Voter | Dec 04 2015

The results of a New Hampshire poll released Monday suggested that Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush is currently faring poorly among Timothy Rodriguez, 35, the state’s Hispanic voter. The news has prompted political analysts nationwide to question Bush’s footing in the primaries, especially because Rodriguez’s status as the only Hispanic voter in the critical early-primary state means that the meaning of his vote will be extrapolated to represent an entire demographic.

Fuck It, Opera Idaho Announces Another Season | Dec 04 2015

Speaking at a press conference Thursday in the lobby of Boise’s Egyptian Theatre, Opera Idaho’s board of trustees announced that, fuck it, they plan to go ahead and do another season. The board announced that, despite dwindling state-allocated arts funding and record low attendance rate, the semi-professional nonprofit company will continue to produce full-scale operatic productions in Boise and the surrounding area.

Little Caesar’s Maintains Dominance Over Market Of People Who Need Entire Pizza Right Now | Oct 30 2015

A market analysis conducted by the National Restaurant Association confirmed that, for the 11th consecutive year, popular pizza chain Little Caesar’s has retained complete control of the market of people who need to eat an entire pizza right this second.

Guy In Tight Pants Must Be European Or Something, Dad Reports | Oct 06 2015

Citing the fact that he was wearing those black canvas slipper things and carrying a small leather backpack with something Scandinavian written on it, area dad Daniel Berman reported Wednesday that the guy over there in the fitted pants must be from Europe or something.

First Fall BDH Issue Just A Poll | Oct 06 2015

Community sources reported surprise Wednesday after discovering that the Brown Daily Herald’s first issue of the year was a four-question poll. The 3000-copy circulation was delivered to newsstands on campus at approximately 4 a.m. and caused confusion throughout the day as students, faculty and campus visitors puzzled over survey’s content.

A Cappella Group Announces Intentions To Do Some Subway Bullshit | Mar 06 2015

Campus a cappella group The Barnstormers announced at a Wednesday press conference that they will, at some point this year, do that thing like what happens on New York subways where they all start singing some bullshit song on public transit. “The time has come to expand upon the traditions of carol-singing, Ratty singing, and arch singing,” said group member Stanley Haas ’16 from a stage of disgustingly peppy individuals.

Damn'd Be Those Who Wantonly Thieve From The Refectory That Bears My Name by The Ghost Of Henry D. Sharpe | Mar 06 2015

Booooooo! It is I, the ghost of Henry Dexter Sharpe, former president of this most esteem’d “College in the Colony of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations”—returned from the grave to roam its ivied halls once again. Booooooo! Tremble and quake at my spooky and translucent form! Three score and five years past, I bequeathed to the college a fair sum so that it might construct a Refectory, or commissarie in which generations of Brown men could eat their fill of fried sweet potatoes and vegan carrots with tequila.

Doctor Likes To Think Of Himself As Vet For Humans | Dec 05 2014

Citing his lifelong love of people and knowledge of “what makes humans tick,” area general practitioner Stanley Friedman said he thinks of himself as a veterinarian except for humans. “The key is to treat human patients just as well as you would cats or dogs,” said Friedman, who operates a successful family practice on Providence’s East Side. “After all, people need love too.”

Philosophy Department Destroyed in Disastrous Thought Experiment | Dec 03 2014

The entire Department of Philosophy was destroyed Monday by a massive explosion, believed to be the result of a thought experiment gone horribly wrong. Students and faculty who escaped unharmed reported feeling rapid, violent paradigm shifts and hearing screams from one the classrooms, believed to be the source of the explosion.

Child Protagonist Somehow Managed To Keep Both Parents | Dec 03 2014

Critics and audience members have reported that the protagonist of the film “Lakeland” is a curious child who, against all odds, manages to have living parents for the duration of the movie. The film centers around Emily Foster, a precocious nine-year-old who lives in Central Florida and aspires to escape her hometown, the monotony of suburban life, and, surprisingly enough, the seemingly well-adjusted and untested dynamic of her living and happily married parents.