Wednesday, November 21, 2018
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The Brown Noser

“Best Weekend Of My Life,” Reports Sweaty Freshman Standing In Inch Of Beer In John Street Basement

Published Friday, September 14th, 2018

Sweating hard and standing in an inch of beer at an off-campus basement party on John Street, freshman Eddie Kirkwood reported that this was the best weekend of his life.

“This is exactly what I hoped college would be like,” Kirkwood reported, willfully ignoring the feeling of beer soaking into his sock after accidently stepping in a particularly deep puddle.

“A real dream,” he explained, trying not to think about the exposed light bulb he was standing under and the countless other fire hazards in the basement.

Sources report that fifteen minutes after arriving, Kirkwood texted everyone in his unit that the party was amazing and they should head over quickly. He did not mention that he had spent the hour prior nervously wandering around campus hoping he’d stumble across a party, and that he knew absolutely no one here.

“I can’t wait to do this every weekend,” he continued, sloshing through the pool of beer on the floor to find an open space to dance where he wouldn’t get knocked over by the crowd. “I love partying.”

Once he got back to his dorm at the end of the night, Kirkwood proudly posted a picture from the party to his Instagram before spending an hour trying to wash the beer out of his shoes.

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