Saying that he’s ready to leave behind his time at Brown and move on to something better, senior Joshua Pacey reports that he is very ready to leave behind the support network he’s spent four years carefully building.
“It just feels like I’ve outgrown all the people who have unconditionally loved and supported me during my time here,” said Pacey, ignoring all the mutual effort that was put into building and maintaining their relationships freshman through junior year.
Frantically trying to zip up her gown before anyone could see she still had her button down pajama shirt on, Brown University President Christina Paxson hurried into graduation five minutes late after her alarm didn’t go off.
“This is a nightmare,” said Paxson, quickly trying to comb her hair with her hands and checking her reflection in her phone.
Placing his speaker next to the shower stall and turning it up so loud it could be heard from the hall outside, sophomore Jeremy Kendrick immediately established himself as the alpha of Perkins’ second floor.
“The first time I saw him walking into the bathroom carrying his Bluetooth speaker,” said neighbor Cynthia Henry, “I immediately knew he had all the power.
Willing to plan their whole breakfast around the time it would take to order their food, everyone in the egg line at the Ratty waited upwards of fifteen minutes for their own ladle full of egg juice. “I can’t start my day without this,” said Maggie Donahue, one of ten people waiting excitedly for her turn to get a scoop of liquefied egg.
I’m tired of stereotypes influencing how people live their lives. You know the deal: the high school quarterback ends up with the cheerleading captain. I just want to see something different. Just once, I wish the quarterback would end up with the rival high school’s National Honor Society’s public relations officer.
Completely disregarding any fundamental survival instincts, lost children Harry and Grace, wasted all the bread they had on making a useless little trail of crumbs in the dirt.
“Thank god we have so much bread,” explained Harry as he took pieces of the only food source they had and threw them on the ground.
Sources close to third grader Tyler Jones report that it was ultimately the promise of a team pizza party at the end of the year that got the Little League free agent to join The Robins of the Newport Youth Little League.
“A lot of coaches have had their eye on him ever since he was just an up-and-comer in the local tee ball leagues,” said Mr.
At a press conference last Saturday, Red Sox General Manager John Farrell announced that the team would just be bunting from now on. “Hitting is really hard and I’ve been toying around with this idea for a while,” said Farrell, explaining that bunting just feels safer.
You have to listen to me, kid, because I don’t have much time. When Julia Louis-Dreyfus comes in here, do not make direct eye contact. Understand? Quick, I hear her coming.
I know you think you’ve just been invited to the set of VEEP to get an autograph but this is all part of something much bigger than that.
Eyeing her older brother’s subpar fourth grade report card, second grader Anna Keenan came to the conclusion that the bar is set pretty low for what her mom will hang up on the fridge.
“I have a spelling test this Friday, but I’m pretty sure I can just phone this one in,” said Anna, explaining that her mom’s policy with her brother Jason has just been to hang up anything he brings home from school.
Visibly buzzing at the idea of being able to tell someone the crazy plot twist in the season finale, Henry Mars ‘18 wants to spoil the show he’s recommending to a friend so freaking bad, sources report. “You didn’t watch ‘Westworld’?” said Mars, excitedly launching into a list of reasons why his friend would love the show.
Saying that they saw Angela Goddard shaking her boyfriend Griffin Murphy’s mom’s hand and going in for a reluctant hug in broad view of everyone on Thayer Street, sources report that the overly affectionate couple keep meeting each other’s parents in public.
Frequently contributing handfuls of change to the mason jar resting on the bookcase in their living room, members of the McCool family have deluded themselves into thinking that, when full, the jar will be enough for a trip to Disney.
“I call it our ‘Vacation Jar,’” said Mrs.
Sources report that, following a particularly heated meeting with members of the House Ways and Means Committee, Vice President Mike Pence decided to blow off some steam by rolling a hoop with a stick on the White House lawn. “It’s definitely a high stress work environment and a lot of people here hit the gym or go out for a drink at the end of the day to relax,” explained Pence, running hunched over so that he could keep the top of the hoop at eye level and keep it upright.
Attempting to build on the success of their Stephen Colbert- and Jimmy Fallon-themed flavors, Ben & Jerry’s seems to be really scraping the bottom of the barrel with their newly released Seth Meyers-themed flavor. “This one admittedly had us stumped for a while,” said Director of Research and Development at Ben & Jerry’s Jane Bookstore, adding that the ice cream’s packaging features a picture of Seth Meyers smiling but not looking that excited.
Sources report that, after a disappointing first semester, freshman Tyler Adams is looking forward to going home and putting a positive spin on his time at Brown.
“Here, I can’t hide that I had a lackluster semester but, at home, I can rewrite history.,” said Adams.
To tap into her role as an unnamed member of The Sharks in this year’s production of West Side Story, sources report that Cranston High School sophomore, Caroline Martin, has been constructing a ludicrously complicated backstory for her character.
Staring off into the distance while dangling their legs off the side of the town’s water tower, the nation’s youth reported Thursday that they can’t wait to get out of this town. “No one understands me here,” said eighteen year old Cranston resident Silas McKee, voicing the feelings of many kids his age.
Sources report that gullible magician Rooney Schultz, clearly baffled by the rabbit he just pulled out of his top hat, loudly gasped at his own magic trick.
“I am positive that my hat was completely empty the whole show but then, somehow, I was able to pull a rabbit out of it,” Schultz said after the show, taking off his magician tuxedo and magician gloves.
According to a report released by the National Center of Atmospheric Research, over the coming weeks, you should expect to see everyone walking around with chilly, clenched fists tucked into their sleeves. “It’s crazy how easily hands get cold and chapped during this time of year,” explained head researcher Dr.
Sources report that gold miner James Bennett, having dredged nothing but diamonds from the Yukon River bed for the tenth consecutive day, is really bad at his job.
“There’s nothing more depressing than sifting through all these enormous, sparkling diamonds and seeing no hints of gold,” said Bennett, admitting that he just doesn’t seem to be suited for this kind of work.
According to eyewitnesses at the Thayer Street CVS last Tuesday night, area woman Annabelle Lincoln really crashed and burned at the self checkout register.
“I thought using the machine would save time since I only had two items,” explained Lincoln.
I’m eight foot three and I have lived an amazing life. Everyday, I’m grateful my two average sized parents’ genes somehow came together to make me so tall. I know how privileged I am to be the tallest person in the world. But if given the choice between being so tall and there being another season of Seinfeld, I’d have to choose the latter.
Just two minutes into a performance of Leonard Bernstein’s “Mass,” it was clear from orchestra conductor James Crumpf’s frantic flailing in the general direction of the musicians that he had no fucking idea what he was doing with his arms. “I’ll admit that there was no rhyme or reason to what I was doing,” said Crumpf, confessing that he was so confused as to how to get everyone to start, he just raised his arms completely vertically and made rock and roll signs with his hands.
After seeing this year’s rec soccer team roster, sixth grader Tommy Hurley was pleased to announce that his team, The Sharks, is stacked. According to Tommy, it’s kind of sad that whatever team plays The Sharks each weekend has to drive to the fields just to get wrecked.
Looking back, I did everything right. All the pieces were set to fall perfectly into place with me at the helm of a progressive, witty, female-led sitcom. That is, if that damn Julia Louis-Dreyfus hadn’t foiled my plans.
Do you know how hard it is to find a sitcom with a strong female character? Nearly impossible! And somehow she gets Seinfeld AND Veep? How could I ever have accounted for that kind of staying power? I paid my dues and waited but that woman is incessant.
Regularly finding themselves having to hold a remote in each hand only to click one button on one then exclusively use the other, all members of the McCool family have come to terms with the fact that all one remote does is turn the TV on. “For as long as I can remember, we’ve used the long, black remote to turn the TV on and the short, silver one to turn the channel or change the volume,” said Mrs.
Trying to take his sermons to the next level, Saint Dominic Parish’s head priest, Father Peter Thompson, has been using Saturday’s midnight mass to workshop some of his edgier material.
“It’s a different crowd than Sunday morning,” explained Thompson.
Providing just a quick refresher on all the interfamilial conflict that’s built up over the years, the Hoxie family’s Thanksgiving dinner served as an exciting preview of all the family drama that’s bound to come up at Christmas.
“We were together only for the afternoon so everyone was able to keep it together pretty well,” said the Hoxie family’s oldest grandchild, Allan.
Sources report that WHJY DJ Chet Mowry has been spending most of his airtime reassuring listeners he’s handsome.
“You’re hanging with Chet Mowry this afternoon and we’re about to dive into an hour of commercial-free music,” he said at the start of his Tuesday broadcast.
Washing off all the fake blood from his tractor, local farmer Evan Lawrence, began the process of turning his spooky corn maze back into a dumb, little cornfield. “Halloween season’s over so it’s back to life as usual,” lamented Lawrence as he took down the 10 extra scarecrows he had put up to scare visitors.
Gently rubbing the “SCOTUS” tattoo he got on his wrist the night after President Obama nominated him to the Supreme Court, Judge Merrick Garland admitted he was regretting his impulsive decision. “It was definitely a lapse in judgement on my part but I was just too caught up in the excitement of the moment to think straight,” Garland confessed, pulling up his sleeve to cover the tattoo.
Following a game-winning touchdown, Woonsocket High School’s humble running back Corey Downes celebrated with his signature astonishment by crying out, “Who woulda thunk?” “This is truly incredible,” Downes said, modestly shaking his head in disbelief as his teammates lifted him onto their shoulders and carried him off the field.
Come on, man. Have some decency. My family and I have been looking forward to going out to eat all week. We don’t need some stranger breathing down our necks, begging us for some of the onion rings we ordered. Let us enjoy these appetizers as a family.
At a press conference last Wednesday, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy announced that it’s weird how often little kids throw up. This conclusion follows a nationwide observational study conducted by the Department of Health.
“It’s particularly odd that nearly any activity can make little kids throw up,” said Dr.
Why, hello there. I’m Percy Williams and I’m here in hopes of acquiring some of your nice things. If it ain’t broke, give it to me.
If you have anything lying around in good condition but going to waste, well then give it here. Certainly don’t try to change it or monkey around with it.
Only 15 minutes into Stephanie’s birthday dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Clarke’s plan to secretly tell the waiter it was their daughter’s 12th birthday began to really go up in smoke.
“It was supposed to be a clean operation,” explained Mrs. Clarke.
Halfway through watching “The School of Rock,” sixth-grade romance expert Sadie Fitzgerald began steering her friend’s sleepover toward a game of truth or dare.
“This is boring you guys,” Sadie complained, eager to choose “Truth” and gloat about her advanced romantic prowess, especially how she kissed Sean on the cheek last week at recess.
Sources report that during a speech given to kick off International Orientation, Dean of the College Maud Mandel welcomed international students using an inaccessible reference to explorers of the American West.
“Think of me as John C. Fremont and yourselves as Kit Carson,” said Mandel, pausing to let the powerful comparison sink in.
Just one week into her Brown career, Caroline Gagnon ‘20 reports that she’s already found “her people.”
“I came to Brown to find people who shared and supported my passions,” said Gagnon, “And it’s great that those people all happen to live on my floor, have the same Meik as me, or got into the same FYS.”
Justifying the power of the bond she and her new friends share, Gagnon explained how much they already know about each other: all want to live in New York City at some point, love dogs, and have read Harry Potter multiple times.
Bending over to pick up the tightly swaddled newborn left on the steps of University Hall, University President Christina Paxson announced plans to raise the baby as her own.
Sources report that Paxson had scurried downstairs in only a nightgown and nightcap after hearing a mysterious, frantic knock.
After months of speculation, children of Denise Campos have come to the conclusion that their mom definitely thinks Uber is a drug.
“Yesterday, my brother and I were talking about how often we use Uber since it’s so fast and affordable,” reported Denise’s daughter Sadie.
Sources report that Warwick man Rob Warren kept referring to all major U.S. cities as “The Windy City” during an office party last Friday.
“The caterers did a great job but this pulled pork just doesn’t compare to the BBQ I had a few weeks ago in The Windy City,” said Warren, remembering the authentic barbecue he had on a recent business trip to Atlanta.
With less than a year left in his presidency, President Barack Obama marked Vice President Joe Biden’s height on the White House wall for the final time last Wednesday.
“Joe had already had his big growth spurt before we moved in here so there isn’t much of a difference between each measurement,” said Obama, adding that he often just retraces the mark he made the previous time.
After being chosen as class line leader, Becky Tolman appeared to take a sadistic pleasure in forcing her classmates to walk for longer than could be considered reasonable. Tolman reportedly led her third-grade classmates on a grueling, three-hour-long march around the Laketown Elementary School campus.
After taking a sip from his mug and looking at the teleprompter for his next line, anchorman Brett McDune ended Warwick’s evening news program by choking on water. This marks the ninth consecutive broadcast in which he’s signed off by choking on and spitting out a small amount of water.
Woonsocket, R.I. residents were left reeling after the discovery that local librarian Sheila Walker hadn’t even read all the books she apparently is supposed to be in charge of. Walker, who has been a library card holder for 26 years and a librarian for 8, has reportedly not even read a majority of the books housed in her library.