Sunday, December 17, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Katherine Dunham

Editor-in-Chief

Katherine's articles

“I Can’t Wait To Go Home For Break,” Reports Girl Who Spends Semester Insulting Hometown Every Chance She Gets | Dec 01 2017

Excitedly explaining how much she’s looking forward to the end of finals period, junior Tina Shook, who took every opportunity over the past five months to insult her hometown, reported that she can’t wait to go home for break. “It’s going to be so nice to finally be home and allow myself to just relax,” reported Shook, even though she’s complained to her college friends on multiple occasions about how there’s never anything to do in her hometown.

Student Knows Proposal For Nude Production Of Grease Will Have PW Eating Out Of Palm Of Their Hand | Dec 01 2017

Writing his proposal to direct a show at Production Workshop this winter, junior Darren Mills knew his idea for a nude production of “Grease” would have the PW board eating out of the palm of his hand. “They love to push the envelope and I’m hand delivering them the envelope to push,’” reported Mills who engineered his proposal specifically to get passed by the student theater board.

Student Who Thrives Off Chaos Places Small Plate On Top Of Stack Of Regular Plates In Ratty Plate Bins | Dec 01 2017

Sources report that sophomore Brent Shell must get off on creating chaos after he placed his small plate on top of the stack of regular plates in the Ratty plate bins, paying no attention to the obvious system in place. “He’s an agent of chaos,” said Lily Bell, the student immediately behind Shell in the line to clear plates.

Harshest Critic In Creative Writing Class Also Worst Writer | Dec 01 2017

After reading her latest essay, sources report that Sarah Turner, the harshest critic in Intro to Creative Nonfiction, is somehow also the worst writer in the class. “With all the notes she gives to other people,” classmate Carey Maul reported, “I thought she’d be an amazing writer.

Junior Coming Back From Semester Abroad Will Never Understand How Fun That John Street Party Was, Friends Keep Reporting | Dec 01 2017

Shaking their heads and laughing as they remembered what an awesome night they had while he was abroad, friends of junior Parker Twole reported for the thousandth time how fun that John Street party was. “Parker, I don’t think you understand just how good this party was,” said Twole’s friend Sue Larter, repeating a point she had brought up countless times before.

Shakespeare On The Green’s Definition Of “Shakespeare-Related” Pretty Fucking Generous | Dec 01 2017

After Shakespeare on the Green announced they were putting on a production of “A Few Good Men” this Spring, it became immediately clear that the theater company’s definition of “Shakespeare-related” is pretty fucking generous. “‘A Few Good Men’ is a tragic show that in the Shakespearean tradition depicts how men can be corrupted by power and lose themselves,” said board member Marty Powell, not realizing what a huge stretch that is.

Spider Gonna Have To Crawl Into Someone’s Mouth Tonight To Meet Yearly Quota | Dec 01 2017

Sighing and explaining this is just how the job works, a local spider reports that it’s going to have to crawl into local man Mike Lo’s sleeping mouth tonight in order to meet the yearly quota. “You know the deal: eight a year,” said the spider, checking Lo’s records.

Q-Tip Kind Of Just Fell Apart In There | Dec 01 2017

Immediately after cleaning his ears, area man Shane Treble was surprised to see that the Q-Tip had just kind of fallen apart in there. “Wow that didn’t do anything,” said Treble, reaching for another Q-Tip that would hopefully get the job done. “The cotton had just kind of gotten all fluffed out. It didn’t clear anything up in there, just kind of move things around. Useless.” At press time, Treble’s floss had just kind of frayed between his teeth.

REPORT: Santa Got Hot This Year | Dec 01 2017

Sources close to the North Pole report that, over the past twelve months, Santa got hot as hell. “You’re gonna notice a lot of big changes in Saint Nick this year,” said one of Santa’s elves, Snickerdoodle, who quickly clarified that Santa will be delivering presents as usual, he’ll just be hot now.

Area Man a Tea Guy Now | Dec 01 2017

Showing off the four new types of tea he’s bought in the last week, area man Chuck Rivers reports he’s a tea guy now. “I used to be a coffee guy but I started to feel like it would make me too stressed,” said Rivers, filling a kettle with water and putting it on the stove.

Kid Who Left Rec Basketball Team For Travel Team Thinks He’s Hot Shit All Of A Sudden | Dec 01 2017

According to members of the Pawtucket rec basketball team the Wolves, sixth-grader Joey Lambros thinks he’s hot shit ever since he left them to play on a travel team. “All Joey talks about at recess anymore is his new team,” said Wolves member Richie Graff, “It’s all ‘My travel team this and my travel team that’ with him.

REPORT: Oh No, Everyone’s Starting To Get Chapped Little Lips | Dec 01 2017

In a forecast made last Sunday, the National Center of Atmospheric Research reported that, oh no, everyone’s starting to get chapped little lips. “Yikes,” said Dana Shultz, head of the Center’s research division, “Everyone’s lips get so dry in this weather.

Soylent Most Efficient Way To Enjoy Meal That Tastes Like Shit | Dec 01 2017

At a press conference last tuesday, Soylent CEO Rob Rhinehart announced Soylent’s commitment to making their product the most efficient way to enjoy a meal that tastes like shit. The meal replacement in a bottle can be taken anywhere and endured on-the-go.

I Like Chicago Because The Hot Dogs Are Good There By Chance The Rapper | Dec 01 2017

No matter where my career takes me, no matter how big my music gets, I’ll never stop representing Chicago. I’ll never outgrow that city. I’ll never stop being loyal to it. All because of how good the hot dogs are. When people hear “Chance the Rapper” they immediately think of Chicago.

All You Have To Do To Get Noticed In This Stupid Town Is Score A Touchdown. It’s Fucking Twisted. | Dec 01 2017

Everyone in this dumb town has their priorities all wrong. No way the real world is like this. It’s just this stupid town that’s got everything all mixed up. Because all you have to do to get noticed here is score a touchdown. That’s the only way anyone will give a damn about you.

Student In Blue Room Paying Her Dues At Table Until Booth Opens Up | Nov 03 2017

Scanning the sides of the Blue Room for any signs of people clearing their trash, sophomore Nicole Briggs spent a half hour paying her dues at a Blue Room table until a booth opened up. “I just have to do my time and wait it out here until I see someone start to pack up,” explained Briggs, “Sure, there are some people who have all the luck in the world and can walk in here at the right time and get a booth right off the bat.

A Capella Prospect Can’t Decide If He Wants To Be In Group That Wears Silly Hats or Silly Blazers | Nov 03 2017

Faced with the choice of singing with the Jabberwocks or the Brown Derbies, a capella prospect George Cory can’t decide if he wants to wear a silly hat or a silly blazer. “Do I want to sing with nineteen other guys in sport coats and ties or with nineteen other guys in vests and ties?” said Cory, adding that the groups could not be more different.

Cultured Woman’s Authentic Pronunciation Of “Croissant” Contains Only Vowels | Nov 03 2017

After browsing her local bakery’s selection of pastries, cultured woman Charlotte Graham ordered a croissant using a pronunciation that contained only vowels. “She just let out this one long, rolling syllable,” said the cashier on duty, adding that she was thankful Graham pointed to the pastry she wanted since her order was so hard to understand.

Madame Clementine's Horoscopes | Nov 03 2017

Aires: Don’t be thrown off your course, Aires. I’ve been busy, so I don’t know exactly what is going to happen to you this week, but trust the forces of the universe and good things might happen in your love life. Taurus: Your stars are complicated right now, Taurus, and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would to figure them out.

Seventh Grader Gonna Wear Her Flowy Shirt To School Dance | Nov 03 2017

After looking through her dresser and taking stock of all her options, seventh grader Brittany Lopes decided to wear her flowy shirt to the seventh and eighth grade dance. “This is definitely the move,” explained Lopes, adding that she’ll probably pair it with a pair of tight, light wash jeans.

Weird Fifth-Grader Dressed Up As Something Actually Scary For Halloween | Nov 03 2017

According to sources at Middletown Elementary school, weird fifth grader Shane Tepper dressed up as something actually scary for Halloween. Mark’s teacher Susan Stanton reported that while everyone else was dressed as generic sports players or their favorite Pixar characters, Shane wore a “Scream” mask and cloak and caked his hands in fake blood.

Girl Wearing Overalls Probably On Way To Tend Some Crops | Nov 03 2017

After seeing a girl walk through the Main Green wearing overalls, junior Caroline Andrews came to the conclusion that the girl must be on her way to tend some crops. “Overalls are an article of clothing perfectly designed for farming,” said Andrews, explaining how the suspenders would allow the girl to load up her pockets with gardening tools and never have to worry about it weighing her pants down.

Sailor Really Getting Off On Using Special Words For Left, Right, Front, Back | Nov 03 2017

Sources close to ship captain Paul Morran report that he clearly gets off on using the ship terms for left, right, front, and back. “We got lunch together the other day and he went out of his way to work “starboard” into the conversation when he was directing me toward the restaurant bathroom,” reports Morran’s friend, Shelley Dune.

Portia Di Rossi Really Fucking Tired Of Ellen’s Pranks | Nov 03 2017

According to sources close to Portia Di Rossi and Ellen Degeneres, Di Rossi is really fucking tired of Ellen’s pranks. “She just keeps pranking me,” explained Di Rossi. “She loves scaring people so much. And it’s funny when you’re watching it on TV, but it’s not funny when it’s in your home and it’s your wife.

DJ Playing Music So Loud So No One Will Hear Him Confessing All His Secrets | Nov 03 2017

During a set at Colosseum Night Club last Saturday, local DJ Kyle Miranda was only playing the music loudly so no one would hear him confessing all his secrets. “Nights at the club like this really give me the opportunity to get out of my head and let go,” explained Miranda, “Because I can turn up the volume as loud as I want and get all my deepest, darkest secrets off my chest.” “When the bass was really bumping during the beginning of that “Crazy In Love” remix,” Miranda continued, “I was able to admit that I didn’t claim a lot of these gigs for taxes last year.

Newly Discovered Fossils Reveal Dinosaurs Were Hot As Hell | Nov 03 2017

During a remarkably successful dig in Argentina, a team of paleontologists discovered diverse dinosaur fossils which prove the ancient reptiles were hot as hell. “It was immediately clear we were unearthing some really attractive organisms,” lead researcher Alex Morton said at a press conference last Tuesday.

I Like Your Moxie, Kid. Let’s See It Again From The Shuffle Step. A Five, Six, Seven, Eight… | Nov 03 2017

I haven’t found many kids your age who can keep up with my steps like that. You’re far from technically perfect but you do got heart, kid. I like your moxie. This is gonna be a long day of rehearsal but you might just make it out alive. Let’s see it from the shuffle step.

Hey Folks We’re About To Hit Some Turbulence. SO GET UP OUT OF YOUR SEATS AND LET ME SEE YOU SHAKE WITH IT! | Nov 03 2017

Hey folks, we’re getting word from the pilot here that we’re about to hit some light turbulence. We will have to postpone the rest of the meal service. But we won’t be hitting the seatbelt light. BECAUSE WE WANT TO SEE YOU GET UP OUT OF YOUR SEATS AND SHAKE! The pilots are telling us this won’t last long.

You Should Sit Down Sir, There's Been A Terrible Fire At The Mill And We Think Martha Was Inside. | Nov 03 2017

Excuse me, Mr. Jackson? Oh no, I wouldn’t like any coffee but thank you for offering. Well, sir, I actually came here to tell you some news and I think you should sit down. You see, there’s been a terrible fire at the mill. The whole place is up in smoke.

Ten Thousand Bears Surrounded My Car. Did I Panic? Not A Chance. | Nov 03 2017

There I was: in the middle of the bear den. Key in the ignition, but nowhere to go. Ten thousand bears had surrounded my car, and I couldn’t even see out the window. It was all just one amorphous mass of fur. They must have caught my scent. At that point, I knew the odds weren’t in my favor.

REPORT: Cave Drawings Were Pretty Shitty By That Time’s Standards Too | Sep 15 2017

After unearthing a photorealistic drawing of a buffalo carbon dated back to 20,000 years ago, a team of archeologists affiliated with National Geographic assert that cave drawings were pretty shitty by that time’s standards too. “For so long we’ve been praising cave paintings for how advanced they must have been for their time,” said J.B.

Paxson Strongly Considering Taking Next Semester Off | Sep 15 2017

Saying that it would give her a good opportunity to rethink her goals and what she wants to do in the future, Brown University President Christina Paxson announced in a Facebook post that she’s strongly considering taking next semester off. “The last few years have just felt like work, work, work and I think taking a break might be the best thing for me right now,” explained Paxson, adding that her time at Brown has left her feeling pretty burnt out.

Improv Group Obviously Just Doing Hamlet | Sep 15 2017

After watching one member mime holding a skull and deliver the “To be or not to be” soliloquy verbatim, it became clear to everyone in the audience that the improv group Laugh Yourself Silly was just performing Hamlet. “They didn’t even bother naming themselves other names than the characters in the play,” said audience member Sadie Swable, adding that it was obvious everyone in the group knew when scenes were supposed to end and what was coming next.

Area Man Just Winging Spelling Of “Restaurant” | Sep 15 2017

Cautiously rewriting alternative spellings of the word “restaurant,” area man Tim Reznikoff found himself just winging it. “This word always trips me up so I’m just gonna try my best,” sighed Reznikoff, explaining that he remembers there being an ‘au’ somewhere but wasn’t sure if it came in the middle or the end.

Madame Clementine's Horoscopes | Sep 15 2017

Virgo: Your hard work and concentrated effort will come to a head soon, Virgo. Take some time to breathe and pay attention to the new faces in your life. You never know, one of them may be Seinfeld star Jason Alexander. Libra: Don’t let your fixation on your career isolate you from others, Libra.

Sweet Ghost Secretly Cracking People’s Backs For Them | Sep 15 2017

After reviewing footage he took using an infrared camera, paranormal activity expert Christian Torque reports that a sweet ghost has been haunting the Providence Biltmore secretly cracking the hotel guests’ backs. “He’s a pretty big apparition and is able to wrap his arms around the person, pick them up just off the ground, and give them a little jostle,” said Torque.

Area Third Grader Going Through Phase Where She Knows Everything About Dog Breeds | Sep 15 2017

Excitedly explaining the difference between a Greyhound and a Saluki to her parents, area third grader Gabi Thule is going through that phase where she knows everything about dog breeds. “This morning she told me all about Portuguese Water Dogs and how they were originally bred to work on ships,” reported Gabi’s mom.

Chip That Slipped Out Of Hand Slowly Sinking Beneath Guacamole Surface | Sep 15 2017

After plunging his tortilla chip too deep into a bowl of guacamole, Jeremy Rafter watched helplessly as it slipped out of his hand and slowly sunk beneath the guacamole surface. “Everything happened so quickly,” said Rafter, losing sight of the last visible corner of the chip.

Restaurant Hostess Asks If Family Would Prefer Booth Or Table As If She Doesn’t Already Know The Answer | Sep 15 2017

Picking up two menus from her hostess stand and smiling at the mother and son that just walked through the door, Red Robin hostess Sarah Mackey politely asked them if they’d prefer a booth or a table, as if she didn’t already know what the answer would be.

Computer Keyboard Concerningly Greasy | Sep 15 2017

After happening to glance down at her keyboard while writing a history paper, junior Veronica Sill reported that her computer had become concerningly greasy. “There were big shiny spots on the majority of the keys,” said Sill, adding that the large spots on the most frequently used letters were especially worrisome.

Mother-Daughter Relationship Hits All Time High After Seeing Wicked Together | Sep 15 2017

After going to see the touring company of Wicked at the Providence Performing Arts Center, Michelle Torrance’s relationship with her daughter Catherine hit an all time high. “Catherine’s fourteen now and a lot of her friends went to see it with their moms so I thought it would be a good time for us to go and see it together,” explained Michelle before the show.

The Girl Grows Stronger Every Day, Your Grace. This Is Not The Time To Take Pity. | Sep 15 2017

My liege, you know I’ve never been one to question your decisions. You’ve won wars, ended years of famine, and brought endless prosperity to our small kingdom of Dundleboose. But I think your order to spare the girl will prove doomed. As your chief advisor I must warn you that she grows stronger every day, your grace.

College Is A Time To Find Amelia Earhart | Sep 15 2017

Hey, kid. You’re entering the most transformative stage of your life. Take some advice from someone who’s been there before: college is all about discovery. It’s the perfect time to discover what actually happened to aviation pioneer Amelia Earhart.

It's Your Lucky Day, Kid. That Man You Just Set On Fire Is The Best Fireman In The World. You're Off The Hook This Time. | Sep 15 2017

That was a close call, kid. Today could have had a very different outcome had the man you set on fire not been the best fireman in the world. You’re off the hook this time but don’tt set anyone on fire again. Next time, you won’t be so lucky. That’s why you should never play with matches, kid.

You Better Stay Inside Tonight, Cindy. I Don’t Like The Looks Of Those Clouds. | Sep 15 2017

Cindy, you’re gonna have to cancel those plans you had tonight. There’s a storm coming and I don’t want you getting caught in it. Gosh, I really don’t like the looks of the clouds heading this way. No way are you taking the car out in this weather.

Manhunt Is Way Different And Way Cooler Than Hide-And-Seek, Nation’s Seventh Graders Report | Sep 15 2017

Citing the fact that manhunt is played at night which infinitely raises the stakes, the nation’s seventh graders report that manhunt is way different and way cooler than hide-and-seek. “Hide-and-seek is for kids,” asserted the nation’s seventh graders, appalled that the comparison between the two games would be so ignorantly drawn.

Family Done Sucking Up To Neighbors With Pool Until Next Summer | Sep 15 2017

Following the onset of colder fall weather, the McCool family decided they were done buttering up their neighbors until they could use their pool again next summer. “We swallow our pride for four months and really kiss up to the Taylors,” explained Mrs.

Stunt Man Could’ve Been Real Actor Had He Not Been So Damn Unbreakable | Sep 15 2017

His strength and toughness consistently overshadowing his flawless acting technique, professional stuntman Eddie Chap could’ve been a real actor had he not been so damn unbreakable. “Sometimes I can’t help but think about the career I could have had in this business if I didn’t have such a knack for throwing myself off buildings and taking punches,” said Chap.

Model Says “Cheese” Whenever Her Picture Taken | Sep 15 2017

During a photo shoot for this month’s cover of Glamour magazine, supermodel Carrie Levin excitedly yelled “cheese” and smiled as big as she could before a full camera crew snapped her picture. “I first discovered Carrie when she walked in Michael Kors’ Fashion Week show last year,” said the director of the shoot Lisa Swan.

Senior So Ready To Get Away From Suffocating Support Network He’s Spent Four Years Building | Apr 21 2017

Saying that he’s ready to leave behind his time at Brown and move on to something better, senior Joshua Pacey reports that he is very ready to leave behind the support network he’s spent four years carefully building. “It just feels like I’ve outgrown all the people who have unconditionally loved and supported me during my time here,” said Pacey, ignoring all the mutual effort that was put into building and maintaining their relationships freshman through junior year.

Paxson Rushes Into Commencement Five Minutes Late After Alarm Didn't Go Off | Apr 21 2017

Frantically trying to zip up her gown before anyone could see she still had her button down pajama shirt on, Brown University President Christina Paxson hurried into graduation five minutes late after her alarm didn’t go off. “This is a nightmare,” said Paxson, quickly trying to comb her hair with her hands and checking her reflection in her phone.

Kid Listening To Music In Shower Immediately Establishes Himself As Floor's Alpha | Apr 21 2017

Placing his speaker next to the shower stall and turning it up so loud it could be heard from the hall outside, sophomore Jeremy Kendrick immediately established himself as the alpha of Perkins’ second floor. “The first time I saw him walking into the bathroom carrying his Bluetooth speaker,” said neighbor Cynthia Henry, “I immediately knew he had all the power.

Everyone In Egg Line At Ratty Willing To Wait Fifteen Minutes For Ladle Full Of Egg Juice | Apr 21 2017

Willing to plan their whole breakfast around the time it would take to order their food, everyone in the egg line at the Ratty waited upwards of fifteen minutes for their own ladle full of egg juice. “I can’t start my day without this,” said Maggie Donahue, one of ten people waiting excitedly for her turn to get a scoop of liquefied egg.

Just Once, I Wish The High School Quarterback Would End Up With The Rival High School's National Honor Society's Public Relations Officer | Apr 21 2017

I’m tired of stereotypes influencing how people live their lives. You know the deal: the high school quarterback ends up with the cheerleading captain. I just want to see something different. Just once, I wish the quarterback would end up with the rival high school’s National Honor Society’s public relations officer.

Kids Lost In Woods Wasting All Their Bread On Useless Little Crumb Trail | Apr 21 2017

Completely disregarding any fundamental survival instincts, lost children Harry and Grace, wasted all the bread they had on making a useless little trail of crumbs in the dirt. “Thank god we have so much bread,” explained Harry as he took pieces of the only food source they had and threw them on the ground.

Little League Free Agent Wooed By Promise Of Team Pizza Party At End Of The Year | Apr 21 2017

Sources close to third grader Tyler Jones report that it was ultimately the promise of a team pizza party at the end of the year that got the Little League free agent to join The Robins of the Newport Youth Little League. “A lot of coaches have had their eye on him ever since he was just an up-and-comer in the local tee ball leagues,” said Mr.

Red Sox Decide They're Just Going To Bunt From Now On | Apr 21 2017

At a press conference last Saturday, Red Sox General Manager John Farrell announced that the team would just be bunting from now on. “Hitting is really hard and I’ve been toying around with this idea for a while,” said Farrell, explaining that bunting just feels safer.

Listen, Kid. When You Meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Do Not Look Her In The Eyes. Understand? Quick, Here She Comes. | Apr 21 2017

You have to listen to me, kid, because I don’t have much time. When Julia Louis-Dreyfus comes in here, do not make direct eye contact. Understand? Quick, I hear her coming. I know you think you’ve just been invited to the set of VEEP to get an autograph but this is all part of something much bigger than that.

Older Brother Set Bar Pretty Low For What Mom Will Hang Up On Fridge | Mar 17 2017

Eyeing her older brother’s subpar fourth grade report card, second grader Anna Keenan came to the conclusion that the bar is set pretty low for what her mom will hang up on the fridge. “I have a spelling test this Friday, but I’m pretty sure I can just phone this one in,” said Anna, explaining that her mom’s policy with her brother Jason has just been to hang up anything he brings home from school.

Friend Recommending Show Wants To Tell You How It Ends So Freaking Bad | Mar 17 2017

Visibly buzzing at the idea of being able to tell someone the crazy plot twist in the season finale, Henry Mars ‘18 wants to spoil the show he’s recommending to a friend so freaking bad, sources report. “You didn’t watch ‘Westworld’?” said Mars, excitedly launching into a list of reasons why his friend would love the show.

Overly Affectionate Couple Keeps Meeting Each Other's Parents In Public | Mar 17 2017

Saying that they saw Angela Goddard shaking her boyfriend Griffin Murphy’s mom’s hand and going in for a reluctant hug in broad view of everyone on Thayer Street, sources report that the overly affectionate couple keep meeting each other’s parents in public.

Delusional Family Thinks Mason Jar Full Of Change Will Be Enough For A Trip To Disney | Mar 17 2017

Frequently contributing handfuls of change to the mason jar resting on the bookcase in their living room, members of the McCool family have deluded themselves into thinking that, when full, the jar will be enough for a trip to Disney. “I call it our ‘Vacation Jar,’” said Mrs.

Mike Pence Blowing Off Some Steam By Rolling Hoop With Stick On White House Lawn | Mar 17 2017

Sources report that, following a particularly heated meeting with members of the House Ways and Means Committee, Vice President Mike Pence decided to blow off some steam by rolling a hoop with a stick on the White House lawn. “It’s definitely a high stress work environment and a lot of people here hit the gym or go out for a drink at the end of the day to relax,” explained Pence, running hunched over so that he could keep the top of the hoop at eye level and keep it upright.

Ben & Jerry's Really Scraping Bottom Of Barrel With Seth Meyers Themed Flavor | Mar 17 2017

Attempting to build on the success of their Stephen Colbert- and Jimmy Fallon-themed flavors, Ben & Jerry’s seems to be really scraping the bottom of the barrel with their newly released Seth Meyers-themed flavor. “This one admittedly had us stumped for a while,” said Director of Research and Development at Ben & Jerry’s Jane Bookstore, adding that the ice cream’s packaging features a picture of Seth Meyers smiling but not looking that excited.

Freshman Looking Forward To Going Home And Putting A Spin On Academically And Socially Disappointing First Semester | Dec 09 2016

Sources report that, after a disappointing first semester, freshman Tyler Adams is looking forward to going home and putting a positive spin on his time at Brown. “Here, I can’t hide that I had a lackluster semester but, at home, I can rewrite history.,” said Adams.

Area Teen Coming Up With Ridiculously Complicated Backstory For Ensemble Role In High School Play | Dec 09 2016

To tap into her role as an unnamed member of The Sharks in this year’s production of West Side Story, sources report that Cranston High School sophomore, Caroline Martin, has been constructing a ludicrously complicated backstory for her character.

Nation's Youth Can't Wait To Get Out Of This Town | Dec 09 2016

Staring off into the distance while dangling their legs off the side of the town’s water tower, the nation’s youth reported Thursday that they can’t wait to get out of this town. “No one understands me here,” said eighteen year old Cranston resident Silas McKee, voicing the feelings of many kids his age.

Gullible Magician Gasps After His Own Tricks | Dec 09 2016

Sources report that gullible magician Rooney Schultz, clearly baffled by the rabbit he just pulled out of his top hat, loudly gasped at his own magic trick. “I am positive that my hat was completely empty the whole show but then, somehow, I was able to pull a rabbit out of it,” Schultz said after the show, taking off his magician tuxedo and magician gloves.

REPORT: Time Of Year Everyone Starts Walking Around With Chilly, Clenched Fists Tucked Into Their Sleeves | Dec 09 2016

According to a report released by the National Center of Atmospheric Research, over the coming weeks, you should expect to see everyone walking around with chilly, clenched fists tucked into their sleeves. “It’s crazy how easily hands get cold and chapped during this time of year,” explained head researcher Dr.

Gold Miner Who's Really Bad At His Job Only Finding A Bunch Of Diamonds | Dec 09 2016

Sources report that gold miner James Bennett, having dredged nothing but diamonds from the Yukon River bed for the tenth consecutive day, is really bad at his job. “There’s nothing more depressing than sifting through all these enormous, sparkling diamonds and seeing no hints of gold,” said Bennett, admitting that he just doesn’t seem to be suited for this kind of work.

Everyone In CVS Watching Woman Crash And Burn At Self Checkout Register | Dec 09 2016

According to eyewitnesses at the Thayer Street CVS last Tuesday night, area woman Annabelle Lincoln really crashed and burned at the self checkout register. “I thought using the machine would save time since I only had two items,” explained Lincoln.

I’m The Tallest Person In The World And I Wouldn’t Trade That For Anything Except Another Season Of Seinfeld | Dec 09 2016

I’m eight foot three and I have lived an amazing life. Everyday, I’m grateful my two average sized parents’ genes somehow came together to make me so tall. I know how privileged I am to be the tallest person in the world. But if given the choice between being so tall and there being another season of Seinfeld, I’d have to choose the latter.

Orchestra Conductor Has No Fucking Idea What He's Doing With His Arms | Dec 09 2016

Just two minutes into a performance of Leonard Bernstein’s “Mass,” it was clear from orchestra conductor James Crumpf’s frantic flailing in the general direction of the musicians that he had no fucking idea what he was doing with his arms. “I’ll admit that there was no rhyme or reason to what I was doing,” said Crumpf, confessing that he was so confused as to how to get everyone to start, he just raised his arms completely vertically and made rock and roll signs with his hands.

This Year’s Rec Soccer Team Is Stacked, Tommy Reports | Nov 04 2016

After seeing this year’s rec soccer team roster, sixth grader Tommy Hurley was pleased to announce that his team, The Sharks, is stacked. According to Tommy, it’s kind of sad that whatever team plays The Sharks each weekend has to drive to the fields just to get wrecked.

To Think, I Could Have Had My Own Female-Driven Sitcom By Now If That Damn Julia Louis-Dreyfus Hadn’t Got In The Way By Julie Bowen ‘91 | Nov 04 2016

Looking back, I did everything right. All the pieces were set to fall perfectly into place with me at the helm of a progressive, witty, female-led sitcom. That is, if that damn Julia Louis-Dreyfus hadn’t foiled my plans. Do you know how hard it is to find a sitcom with a strong female character? Nearly impossible! And somehow she gets Seinfeld AND Veep? How could I ever have accounted for that kind of staying power? I paid my dues and waited but that woman is incessant.

Family Just Accepts The Fact That All One Remote Does is Turn TV On | Nov 04 2016

Regularly finding themselves having to hold a remote in each hand only to click one button on one then exclusively use the other, all members of the McCool family have come to terms with the fact that all one remote does is turn the TV on. “For as long as I can remember, we’ve used the long, black remote to turn the TV on and the short, silver one to turn the channel or change the volume,” said Mrs.

Priest Uses Midnight Mass to Workshop Some of His Edgier Material | Nov 04 2016

Trying to take his sermons to the next level, Saint Dominic Parish’s head priest, Father Peter Thompson, has been using Saturday’s midnight mass to workshop some of his edgier material. “It’s a different crowd than Sunday morning,” explained Thompson.

Thanksgiving Dinner An Exciting Preview Of All The Family Drama Bound To Come Up At Christmas Next Month | Nov 04 2016

Providing just a quick refresher on all the interfamilial conflict that’s built up over the years, the Hoxie family’s Thanksgiving dinner served as an exciting preview of all the family drama that’s bound to come up at Christmas. “We were together only for the afternoon so everyone was able to keep it together pretty well,” said the Hoxie family’s oldest grandchild, Allan.

Insecure Radio DJ Keeps Reassuring Listeners He’s Handsome | Nov 04 2016

Sources report that WHJY DJ Chet Mowry has been spending most of his airtime reassuring listeners he’s handsome. “You’re hanging with Chet Mowry this afternoon and we’re about to dive into an hour of commercial-free music,” he said at the start of his Tuesday broadcast.

Spooky Corn Maze Returns To Dreary Existence As Dumb Little Cornfield | Nov 04 2016

Washing off all the fake blood from his tractor, local farmer Evan Lawrence, began the process of turning his spooky corn maze back into a dumb, little cornfield. “Halloween season’s over so it’s back to life as usual,” lamented Lawrence as he took down the 10 extra scarecrows he had put up to scare visitors.

Merrick Garland Regretting Prematurely Getting That “SCOTUS” Tattoo | Sep 16 2016

Gently rubbing the “SCOTUS” tattoo he got on his wrist the night after President Obama nominated him to the Supreme Court, Judge Merrick Garland admitted he was regretting his impulsive decision. “It was definitely a lapse in judgement on my part but I was just too caught up in the excitement of the moment to think straight,” Garland confessed, pulling up his sleeve to cover the tattoo.

Humble Football Player’s Touchdown Celebration Just Him Saying “Who Woulda Thunk” | Sep 16 2016

Following a game-winning touchdown, Woonsocket High School’s humble running back Corey Downes celebrated with his signature astonishment by crying out, “Who woulda thunk?” “This is truly incredible,” Downes said, modestly shaking his head in disbelief as his teammates lifted him onto their shoulders and carried him off the field.

Come On, Man. I Bought These Appetizers For My Family | Sep 16 2016

Come on, man. Have some decency. My family and I have been looking forward to going out to eat all week. We don’t need some stranger breathing down our necks, begging us for some of the onion rings we ordered. Let us enjoy these appetizers as a family.

Weird How Much Little Kids Throw Up, Surgeon General Reports | Sep 16 2016

At a press conference last Wednesday, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy announced that it’s weird how often little kids throw up. This conclusion follows a nationwide observational study conducted by the Department of Health. “It’s particularly odd that nearly any activity can make little kids throw up,” said Dr.

If It Ain’t Broke, Give It To Me by Percy Williams, Collector of Nice Things | Sep 16 2016

Why, hello there. I’m Percy Williams and I’m here in hopes of acquiring some of your nice things. If it ain’t broke, give it to me. If you have anything lying around in good condition but going to waste, well then give it here. Certainly don’t try to change it or monkey around with it.

Plan To Secretly Tell Waiter It’s Daughter’s Birthday Really Going Up In Smoke | Sep 16 2016

Only 15 minutes into Stephanie’s birthday dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Clarke’s plan to secretly tell the waiter it was their daughter’s 12th birthday began to really go up in smoke. “It was supposed to be a clean operation,” explained Mrs. Clarke.

Presiding Sixth-Grade Romance Expert Subtly Steers Sleepover Toward Truth Or Dare | Sep 16 2016

Halfway through watching “The School of Rock,” sixth-grade romance expert Sadie Fitzgerald began steering her friend’s sleepover toward a game of truth or dare. “This is boring you guys,” Sadie complained, eager to choose “Truth” and gloat about her advanced romantic prowess, especially how she kissed Sean on the cheek last week at recess.

University Welcomes International Students With Inaccessible Reference to American History | Sep 16 2016

Sources report that during a speech given to kick off International Orientation, Dean of the College Maud Mandel welcomed international students using an inaccessible reference to explorers of the American West. “Think of me as John C. Fremont and yourselves as Kit Carson,” said Mandel, pausing to let the powerful comparison sink in.

Only Took Freshman One Week To Find “Her People” | Sep 16 2016

Just one week into her Brown career, Caroline Gagnon ‘20 reports that she’s already found “her people.” “I came to Brown to find people who shared and supported my passions,” said Gagnon, “And it’s great that those people all happen to live on my floor, have the same Meik as me, or got into the same FYS.” Justifying the power of the bond she and her new friends share, Gagnon explained how much they already know about each other: all want to live in New York City at some point, love dogs, and have read Harry Potter multiple times.

Paxson Will Raise Baby Left On University Hall Steps As Her Own | Apr 29 2016

Bending over to pick up the tightly swaddled newborn left on the steps of University Hall, University President Christina Paxson announced plans to raise the baby as her own. Sources report that Paxson had scurried downstairs in only a nightgown and nightcap after hearing a mysterious, frantic knock.

Mom Definitely Thinks Uber Is Type Of Drug | Apr 29 2016

After months of speculation, children of Denise Campos have come to the conclusion that their mom definitely thinks Uber is a drug. “Yesterday, my brother and I were talking about how often we use Uber since it’s so fast and affordable,” reported Denise’s daughter Sadie.

Confused Man Refers To Every City As “The Windy City” | Mar 11 2016

Sources report that Warwick man Rob Warren kept referring to all major U.S. cities as “The Windy City” during an office party last Friday. “The caterers did a great job but this pulled pork just doesn’t compare to the BBQ I had a few weeks ago in The Windy City,” said Warren, remembering the authentic barbecue he had on a recent business trip to Atlanta.

Obama Marks Biden’s Height On White House Wall For Final Time | Mar 11 2016

With less than a year left in his presidency, President Barack Obama marked Vice President Joe Biden’s height on the White House wall for the final time last Wednesday. “Joe had already had his big growth spurt before we moved in here so there isn’t much of a difference between each measurement,” said Obama, adding that he often just retraces the mark he made the previous time.

Sadistic Line Leader Won't Stop Walking | Dec 04 2015

After being chosen as class line leader, Becky Tolman appeared to take a sadistic pleasure in forcing her classmates to walk for longer than could be considered reasonable. Tolman reportedly led her third-grade classmates on a grueling, three-hour-long march around the Laketown Elementary School campus.

News Anchor’s Catchphrase Just Him Choking On Water | Dec 04 2015

After taking a sip from his mug and looking at the teleprompter for his next line, anchorman Brett McDune ended Warwick’s evening news program by choking on water. This marks the ninth consecutive broadcast in which he’s signed off by choking on and spitting out a small amount of water.

Shitty Librarian Hasn’t Read All The Books | Oct 30 2015

Woonsocket, R.I. residents were left reeling after the discovery that local librarian Sheila Walker hadn’t even read all the books she apparently is supposed to be in charge of. Walker, who has been a library card holder for 26 years and a librarian for 8, has reportedly not even read a majority of the books housed in her library.