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The massive American Elm on the main green, which concerningly did not produce leaves this year, is likely dying because it isn’t made of weather-resistant, construction-grade cast bronze.
“Yup, it’s a real shame,” said Grounds Superintendent Tony Cremarosa, standing with his hands on his hips in front of the tree and shaking his head disappointedly. “However, this tree is 100% wood, which is a material notoriously less durable than metal. Wood, of course, is flaccid and weak, whereas metal is hard and sturdy. You’d think that whoever built this tree would’ve at least put some thought behind how long it would need to last. The obvious construction material here would have been a strong, non-corroding, copper and tin alloy. Even the Ancient Greeks knew that.”
“Idee di Pietra (Ideas of Stone), often referred to as ‘Tree With Rock,’ is constructed of a substantial cast bronze,” continued Cremarosa, walking over to the adjacent metal tree sculpture. Slapping its burnished trunk with a clang, as if giving a hearty pat to the rump of a stubborn ox, he stated smugly, “yes sir, this bad boy will be here when the planet succumbs to nuclear winter. Can you say the same for all these other, stupid wooden trees? It’s really only a matter of time before the university does the right thing and makes all their trees out of metal. They just last longer.”
At press time, students were finding it difficult to dance forever in a joyous circle of friendship without being made of light, malleable aluminum.
