Ella's articles
A pre-med in the Human Anatomy and Biomechanics class is dealing with the unfortunate combo of attending her human cadaver lab while also not having eaten all day.
“Obviously, I’m not thinking about that,” scoffed Isabella Cannon, whose mouth was suspiciously watering as she dissected her assigned part of the cadaver.
Sources say a local man eating baby carrots on his lunch break is feeling absolutely massive, and also suddenly cruel.
“I… I feel so… big,” stated Louis Gorby, suddenly aware of the massive influence and destructive capabilities he wielded over the helpless baby carrots in his palm.
An orange has been reported to actually be more yellow than orange. “Be a lemon or be nothing,” yelled color theorist Imogen Planck tearfully at the so-called orange. ”I hate you!" At press time, violet blue.
Reports from the geometry sector say that an extramarital Venn Diagram between Circle A and Circle C was accidentally walked in on by Circle A’s wife, Circle B.
“Baby, please, it’s not what it looks like,” begged Circle A as he scrambled to cover his mistress’s nude, uniformly-curved body with the duvet he’d shared with his wife for seven years.
After a shockingly coincidental day with absolutely no events, Today@Brown threw a wild Hail Mary and just decided to announce tomorrow’s Today@Brown.
“We turned over every stone, but it just so happens that on this particular Friday, absolutely no events are happening at all at Brown University.
A local man who is inexperienced with horses is leading his horse to water with zeal, seconds away from learning a major life lesson about the uncontrollable nature of reality.
“Well, the first part of my plan is to lead my horse to water, and once I get there, the second part of my plan is to make him drink,” drawled Jedidiah Boswell, confidently swaggering over to the watering hole with his stubborn American Appaloosa in tow, seconds away from being forcefully humbled.
John Prindle, Governor of Maine in the year 1827, is almost entirely sure that the obscure town of Augusta is destined to become the largest, highest-population city in the region.
”Yes sir, this here two-horse town is soon to become a one million horse town, I can just feel it!” said Prindle with ill-placed gusto despite the fact that it was several days’ travel from any of the adjacent towns.
Okay. I’ve seen a few deers in my day, and I have to say that this one is definitely not a chip off the old block. Definitely, this deer that I am viewing in front of me right now has several atypical features. To put my perturbation into context, some of the most notable characteristics of your typical deer are that it has four feet, no toes, and a pretty weak chest.
During the Premier League playoff game between Manchester United and Liverpool FC, one player received a historic yellow-green card for slightly bad behavior during the first half.
“At first, I wasn’t sure how to handle the situation,” said professional-league referee Brian Poland, holding the rare card aloft for the cameras, the beautiful vibrancy of chartreuse striking awe and fear into fans of both teams.
Even the most die-hard Impractical Jokers fans felt that the four TV comedians had “gone too far” when Tonight’s Big Loser James “Murr” Murray was commanded to grab a newborn and shake it as violently as possible.
“We really don’t see the problem,” said Impractical Joker Sal Vulcano moments after using an invisible earpiece to command Murr to take a baby out of its crib and shake it as hard as possible in front of a crowd.
In recent news, a local slinky was showing off all of its curves like it has no idea what it’s doing to onlookers.
“Zamn, shawty!” exclaimed area man Link Wilder, eyeing the slinky’s alluring, concentric metal spirals while it feigned disinterest.
English concentrator Lucas Dipplesby, who solely speaks in an iambic pentameter sentence structure, is quite adept at keeping a consistent tempo during sex.
“O sweet and silent pulse that stirs within, / Thou mov’st me with a grace so soft and sure.
Sources report that the latest assignment given to the students of SOC 0910: Motivating Group Action was to loudly announce a fire in the middle of a crowded theater.
“FIRE! FIRE!!” shrieked Avery Bodwick ’26 halfway into Gladiator II, taking detailed notes as the shoulder-to-shoulder audience suddenly panicked and quickly overwhelmed the exits.
Congratulations on your new baby boy! I saw that you outfitted his pliable noggin with a fun, colorful helmet. How necessary.
The design choices you made for your son are quite fascinating to me, and I’d love to chat with you just to understand how it came to this.
In a turn of events that has left fans buzzing, shower mold is having a remarkable comeback following a crushing defeat earlier this season.
“We really couldn’t have anticipated the ability of shower mold to swiftly shake off our last match and get back out there with new vigor,” said sophomore Kenny Chen, the ringleader of Barbour 250’s victorious charge against shower mold during bathroom chores two weeks ago.
Aw, c’mon, fellas! I ain’t gatherin’ you all here to be a sourpuss about no sellin’ of papes! Fact is, I do it better than all of yas! I’ve got the charm and hustle that really matters out here, champs. You all see me flappin’ those papers, drawin’ in a crowd faster than a pigeon to a crumb! You want today’s headline? Ain’t nobody better at sellin’ papes for double the pennies they worth than me!
That being said, I must say with some degree of earnestness that I am becoming increasingly pissed off by the daily acrobatic routines.
After Mr. Isaac Moffat was safely returned from a verified alien abduction last Tuesday, it became clear to reporters that his hard lack of opinion on the event meant that he definitely got probed and undoubtedly enjoyed it very much.
“Well, I think everyone is eager to hear that I had a really good time up there, but the truth is that I have absolutely no opinion on the experience at all,” said Moffat in a way which he believed to be tactically concealing.
It has been reported that Bella Matthews, who had been stuck at JFK’s Gate E56 after her flight’s third delay, was imagining her certain marriage to a nearby stranger despite looking the absolute worst she had ever looked in her entire existence.
In a head-to-head matchup, it is almost certain that Lil’ Debbie would not even hold a candle to the prowess of Big Deborah.
“I’m so fucking scared,” said Lil’ Debbie’s agent Mario Balhaus, biting his nails and pacing about his office, sweat pouring down his sideburns.
It is highly probable that local weird girl Callie McDermott’s favorite food is olives, according to the teachers and counselors at Greenwood Elementary.
“For our What Did We Do Over The Summer presentation, Callie brought in a full-scale lego model of the human gastrointestinal system.
Webkinz user FairyFriends6 was arrested this week at her home next to the W-Shop, after being found guilty of felony child neglect and first-degree murder of her digital pet rabbit, Snowball.
“We did all we could for Snowball the rabbit, but by the time they rushed him into the clinic it was too late,” said resident physician Dr.
Area man Quinn Buckley is sinking in quicksand, but at a rate which is far too slow to be of particular concern for bystanders.
“Ahh! Yikes! Oh, jeez! Someone please get a long pole and a rope to pull me out!” exclaimed Buckley during the event, while onlookers passed by with a great amount of indifference to his slow descent.
Local man who was involved in the tragic ink factory accident several months ago is reportedly not benefitting even a little bit from his therapist’s use of the Rorschach test.
“The Rorschach Test was invented as a psychological tool which can then be used to analyze emotional wellbeing,” said licensed therapist Dr.
The freezer in the Woolley fourth floor kitchen has been reported to be emitting a foul stench despite the fact that it is very cold inside the freezer.
“It wasn’t like this at the beginning of the semester,” said freshman Angus Pullman, standing befuddled on his brown shag carpet which had started out as white.
Soil scientists from the US Department of Agriculture are pleased to announce that it is probably in most places.
“We’ve had the privilege to use the decades-long research of our predecessors as a springboard for this groundbreaking thesis. Literally ground breaking! Boy, do we love breaking ground,” said Dr.
Minecraft sweatshirt owner Aidan Kenney is about to say a word at recess that is so heinous it would cause most adults to be swiftly terminated from their place of work.
“Yeah, I’m pretty excited about this one—my older brother Declan says it’s a really, really bad word,” bragged Kenney, unaware that this word is in fact bad enough that it would be grounds for an adult to be fired and taken to court.
Junior Atticus Lang is once again conveniently avoiding a conversation regarding his roadkill collection by claiming he’s just had another really rough day.
“They aggressively cornered me even though they know I’ve had a really hard day. They were all like, ‘You need to do something about your roadkill collection right now,’ with absolutely no regard for whether or not I was in a good place to have that conversation,” said Atticus about his roommates, who three weeks ago had discovered a mysteriously wet and deeply malodorous cardboard box in a closet that had since become increasingly revolting.
Modern Culture and Media concentrator Sarah Lewins has been scouring the internet in search of the least reputable scientist to reference in their final paper.
“This is a tough choice, because these people all did a roughly equal amount of cocaine,” said Lewins, furiously typing the names of notoriously illegitimate scientists into ZoteroBib.
Recent reports state that Zeus, King Of The Gods, Lord Of The Sky, Father Of Eagles, and Wielder Of Lightning, has been spotted in the mortal realm having a sneaky little on-and-off thing with your mom. “Sorry you didn’t hear it from me, kiddo, I just didn’t want you to worry about it in the middle of midterms,” said your mom over FaceTime last week after you saw a news report about abnormally sensual weather patterns emanating from her house.
The Lincoln Memorial security team recently released a PSA, urging visitors to refrain from giving the statue of Abraham Lincoln a kiss on the lips. “I mean, you don’t get into this line of work without having some particular feelings for ol’ Honest Abe,” said chief of security Lenny Fischer.
The desks at the Rockefeller Library are now displaying messages that are less encouraging and relatable, and more like Tom Riddle attempting to coerce students into doing his nefarious bidding.
“It was different from the notes I usually see on the Rock desks,” said sophomore Owen Casey.
An unaccountable phenomenon has been recorded at the Ratty, where a person using tongs in front of you is actually trapped in a small zone of slow motion.
“I’ve been waiting for, like, 3 minutes for this dude to pick up four small potato wedges,” said bystander Lucy Frank, unaware that freshman Jack Kim was actually stuck in slow motion and every movement with the tongs felt like wading through honey.
Union nurse Mary Edmonds is just cutting off random soldiers’ legs out of boredom now.
“They should not have given me this bone saw,” said Edmonds when questioned about the above-expected number of amputees in her care. “These guys made a mistake coming into the medical tent.
Last Thursday, one of Rhode Island School of Design’s most subversive fashion students took everyone by storm wearing the Ivy League Athletics “8 Against Hate” shirt. “Being a fashion student here at RISD means competing for the weirdest, most derivative style every day,” said apparel design major Jake Tumlin, dressed identically to every Brown athlete.
The massive American Elm on the main green, which concerningly did not produce leaves this year, is likely dying because it isn’t made of weather-resistant, construction-grade cast bronze.
“Yup, it’s a real shame,” said Grounds Superintendent Tony Cremarosa, standing with his hands on his hips in front of the tree and shaking his head disappointedly.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
