Ella's articles
The freezer in the Woolley fourth floor kitchen has been reported to be emitting a foul stench despite the fact that it is very cold inside the freezer.
“It wasn’t like this at the beginning of the semester,” said freshman Angus Pullman, standing befuddled on his brown shag carpet which had started out as white.
Soil scientists from the US Department of Agriculture are pleased to announce that it is probably in most places.
“We’ve had the privilege to use the decades-long research of our predecessors as a springboard for this groundbreaking thesis. Literally ground breaking! Boy, do we love breaking ground,” said Dr.
Minecraft sweatshirt owner Aidan Kenney is about to say a word at recess that is so heinous it would cause most adults to be swiftly terminated from their place of work.
“Yeah, I’m pretty excited about this one—my older brother Declan says it’s a really, really bad word,” bragged Kenney, unaware that this word is in fact bad enough that it would be grounds for an adult to be fired and taken to court.
Junior Atticus Lang is once again conveniently avoiding a conversation regarding his roadkill collection by claiming he’s just had another really rough day.
“They aggressively cornered me even though they know I’ve had a really hard day. They were all like, ‘You need to do something about your roadkill collection right now,’ with absolutely no regard for whether or not I was in a good place to have that conversation,” said Atticus about his roommates, who three weeks ago had discovered a mysteriously wet and deeply malodorous cardboard box in a closet that had since become increasingly revolting.
Modern Culture and Media concentrator Sarah Lewins has been scouring the internet in search of the least reputable scientist to reference in their final paper.
“This is a tough choice, because these people all did a roughly equal amount of cocaine,” said Lewins, furiously typing the names of notoriously illegitimate scientists into ZoteroBib.
Recent reports state that Zeus, King Of The Gods, Lord Of The Sky, Father Of Eagles, and Wielder Of Lightning, has been spotted in the mortal realm having a sneaky little on-and-off thing with your mom. “Sorry you didn’t hear it from me, kiddo, I just didn’t want you to worry about it in the middle of midterms,” said your mom over FaceTime last week after you saw a news report about abnormally sensual weather patterns emanating from her house.
The Lincoln Memorial security team recently released a PSA, urging visitors to refrain from giving the statue of Abraham Lincoln a kiss on the lips. “I mean, you don’t get into this line of work without having some particular feelings for ol’ Honest Abe,” said chief of security Lenny Fischer.
The desks at the Rockefeller Library are now displaying messages that are less encouraging and relatable, and more like Tom Riddle attempting to coerce students into doing his nefarious bidding.
“It was different from the notes I usually see on the Rock desks,” said sophomore Owen Casey.
An unaccountable phenomenon has been recorded at the Ratty, where a person using tongs in front of you is actually trapped in a small zone of slow motion.
“I’ve been waiting for, like, 3 minutes for this dude to pick up four small potato wedges,” said bystander Lucy Frank, unaware that freshman Jack Kim was actually stuck in slow motion and every movement with the tongs felt like wading through honey.
Union nurse Mary Edmonds is just cutting off random soldiers’ legs out of boredom now.
“They should not have given me this bone saw,” said Edmonds when questioned about the above-expected number of amputees in her care. “These guys made a mistake coming into the medical tent.
Last Thursday, one of Rhode Island School of Design’s most subversive fashion students took everyone by storm wearing the Ivy League Athletics “8 Against Hate” shirt. “Being a fashion student here at RISD means competing for the weirdest, most derivative style every day,” said apparel design major Jake Tumlin, dressed identically to every Brown athlete.
The massive American Elm on the main green, which concerningly did not produce leaves this year, is likely dying because it isn’t made of weather-resistant, construction-grade cast bronze.
“Yup, it’s a real shame,” said Grounds Superintendent Tony Cremarosa, standing with his hands on his hips in front of the tree and shaking his head disappointedly.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
