Ella's articles
In a turn of events that has left fans buzzing, shower mold is having a remarkable comeback following a crushing defeat earlier this season.
“We really couldn’t have anticipated the ability of shower mold to swiftly shake off our last match and get back out there with new vigor,” said sophomore Kenny Chen, the ringleader of Barbour 250’s victorious charge against shower mold during bathroom chores two weeks ago.
Aw, c’mon, fellas! I ain’t gatherin’ you all here to be a sourpuss about no sellin’ of papes! Fact is, I do it better than all of yas! I’ve got the charm and hustle that really matters out here, champs. You all see me flappin’ those papers, drawin’ in a crowd faster than a pigeon to a crumb! You want today’s headline? Ain’t nobody better at sellin’ papes for double the pennies they worth than me!
That being said, I must say with some degree of earnestness that I am becoming increasingly pissed off by the daily acrobatic routines.
After Mr. Isaac Moffat was safely returned from a verified alien abduction last Tuesday, it became clear to reporters that his hard lack of opinion on the event meant that he definitely got probed and undoubtedly enjoyed it very much.
“Well, I think everyone is eager to hear that I had a really good time up there, but the truth is that I have absolutely no opinion on the experience at all,” said Moffat in a way which he believed to be tactically concealing.
It has been reported that Bella Matthews, who had been stuck at JFK’s Gate E56 after her flight’s third delay, was imagining her certain marriage to a nearby stranger despite looking the absolute worst she had ever looked in her entire existence.
In a head-to-head matchup, it is almost certain that Lil’ Debbie would not even hold a candle to the prowess of Big Deborah.
“I’m so fucking scared,” said Lil’ Debbie’s agent Mario Balhaus, biting his nails and pacing about his office, sweat pouring down his sideburns.
It is highly probable that local weird girl Callie McDermott’s favorite food is olives, according to the teachers and counselors at Greenwood Elementary.
“For our What Did We Do Over The Summer presentation, Callie brought in a full-scale lego model of the human gastrointestinal system.
Webkinz user FairyFriends6 was arrested this week at her home next to the W-Shop, after being found guilty of felony child neglect and first-degree murder of her digital pet rabbit, Snowball.
“We did all we could for Snowball the rabbit, but by the time they rushed him into the clinic it was too late,” said resident physician Dr.
Area man Quinn Buckley is sinking in quicksand, but at a rate which is far too slow to be of particular concern for bystanders.
“Ahh! Yikes! Oh, jeez! Someone please get a long pole and a rope to pull me out!” exclaimed Buckley during the event, while onlookers passed by with a great amount of indifference to his slow descent.
Local man who was involved in the tragic ink factory accident several months ago is reportedly not benefitting even a little bit from his therapist’s use of the Rorschach test.
“The Rorschach Test was invented as a psychological tool which can then be used to analyze emotional wellbeing,” said licensed therapist Dr.
The freezer in the Woolley fourth floor kitchen has been reported to be emitting a foul stench despite the fact that it is very cold inside the freezer.
“It wasn’t like this at the beginning of the semester,” said freshman Angus Pullman, standing befuddled on his brown shag carpet which had started out as white.
Soil scientists from the US Department of Agriculture are pleased to announce that it is probably in most places.
“We’ve had the privilege to use the decades-long research of our predecessors as a springboard for this groundbreaking thesis. Literally ground breaking! Boy, do we love breaking ground,” said Dr.
Minecraft sweatshirt owner Aidan Kenney is about to say a word at recess that is so heinous it would cause most adults to be swiftly terminated from their place of work.
“Yeah, I’m pretty excited about this one—my older brother Declan says it’s a really, really bad word,” bragged Kenney, unaware that this word is in fact bad enough that it would be grounds for an adult to be fired and taken to court.
Junior Atticus Lang is once again conveniently avoiding a conversation regarding his roadkill collection by claiming he’s just had another really rough day.
“They aggressively cornered me even though they know I’ve had a really hard day. They were all like, ‘You need to do something about your roadkill collection right now,’ with absolutely no regard for whether or not I was in a good place to have that conversation,” said Atticus about his roommates, who three weeks ago had discovered a mysteriously wet and deeply malodorous cardboard box in a closet that had since become increasingly revolting.
Modern Culture and Media concentrator Sarah Lewins has been scouring the internet in search of the least reputable scientist to reference in their final paper.
“This is a tough choice, because these people all did a roughly equal amount of cocaine,” said Lewins, furiously typing the names of notoriously illegitimate scientists into ZoteroBib.
Recent reports state that Zeus, King Of The Gods, Lord Of The Sky, Father Of Eagles, and Wielder Of Lightning, has been spotted in the mortal realm having a sneaky little on-and-off thing with your mom. “Sorry you didn’t hear it from me, kiddo, I just didn’t want you to worry about it in the middle of midterms,” said your mom over FaceTime last week after you saw a news report about abnormally sensual weather patterns emanating from her house.
The Lincoln Memorial security team recently released a PSA, urging visitors to refrain from giving the statue of Abraham Lincoln a kiss on the lips. “I mean, you don’t get into this line of work without having some particular feelings for ol’ Honest Abe,” said chief of security Lenny Fischer.
The desks at the Rockefeller Library are now displaying messages that are less encouraging and relatable, and more like Tom Riddle attempting to coerce students into doing his nefarious bidding.
“It was different from the notes I usually see on the Rock desks,” said sophomore Owen Casey.
An unaccountable phenomenon has been recorded at the Ratty, where a person using tongs in front of you is actually trapped in a small zone of slow motion.
“I’ve been waiting for, like, 3 minutes for this dude to pick up four small potato wedges,” said bystander Lucy Frank, unaware that freshman Jack Kim was actually stuck in slow motion and every movement with the tongs felt like wading through honey.
Union nurse Mary Edmonds is just cutting off random soldiers’ legs out of boredom now.
“They should not have given me this bone saw,” said Edmonds when questioned about the above-expected number of amputees in her care. “These guys made a mistake coming into the medical tent.
Last Thursday, one of Rhode Island School of Design’s most subversive fashion students took everyone by storm wearing the Ivy League Athletics “8 Against Hate” shirt. “Being a fashion student here at RISD means competing for the weirdest, most derivative style every day,” said apparel design major Jake Tumlin, dressed identically to every Brown athlete.
The massive American Elm on the main green, which concerningly did not produce leaves this year, is likely dying because it isn’t made of weather-resistant, construction-grade cast bronze.
“Yup, it’s a real shame,” said Grounds Superintendent Tony Cremarosa, standing with his hands on his hips in front of the tree and shaking his head disappointedly.
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