According to city officials, Providence’s bike-sharing program has now been rendered obsolete by an elegant new horse-sharing program. JUMP Electric Bikes, which launched at the beginning of September, has seen its usage steadily decline due to an increase in exquisite communal horses strolling throughout Brown’s campus.

“We’re seeing more and more students switch to dignified equine transportation, causing bikes to become irrelevant on College Hill,” explained Peter Alviti, Director of the Rhode Island Department of Transportation. “There are many stables conveniently located throughout the city, with a variety of charming breeds available for public use. Each horse also comes with a basket and only costs one carrot stick per half hour.”

“Horses are faster, more eco-friendly, and far more sophisticated,” reported sophomore Caesar Biscot, expressing the opinion of many Brown students who see the horses as a more fashionable and refined mode of transportation. “You don’t even need an app to find one. You just have to let out a loud, high pitched whistle and a steed will find you.”

At press time, Biscot was artfully galloping down Thayer on his regal bronco.

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