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Brown University student and shameless fibber Greg Wilkins '12 told reporters Wednesday that he believes prices at the Blue Room and the Gate - two college eating establishments - are "completely reasonable."
"The prices are totally fine," claimed the shifty-eyed Wilkins, as he munched on a bag of pita chips and sipped an Odwalla, generously priced at a combined $6.75.
While his peers are known to often grumble about these eateries' exorbitant prices, Wilkins has no such qualms about the food's cost.
"Eleven pretzel chips and a dollop of hummus for just $3.75?" reasoned Wilkins. "Only $6.25 for a ham sandwich randomly named after a Providence tourist attraction? Awesome!"
He continued, "Sometimes, I don't even use points or meal credits to get a $15 snack at the Blue Room. I pay with cash!"
But while University officials may be buoyed by such rampant optimism regarding the school's dining facilities, this fairy tale may have quite a sinister origin.
In recent days, Wilkins' energetic yelps of "Wow! That's a low price!" while scanning the cold drink selection at the Gate have prompted whispers among the student body that Brown University Dining Services may have hired Wilkins as a pitchman.
While BuDS representatives have repeatedly denied all allegations, an unnamed source familiar with company operations offers a different take.
According to the insider, BuDS higher-ups have been meeting weekly in hopes of stimulating sales through a unique advertising campaign. Noser investigators confirmed this claim, citing the Microsoft PowerPoint presentation printouts titled "How the hell can we get students to buy more of our overpriced crap?!" found in BuDS office recycling bins.
The source also noted that the Dining Services budget has been recently revised without public notification, and now includes a monthly salary for a "Purveyor of Cheer and Love Spreading the Word about the Deliciousness, Affordability, and General Excellence of BuDS Foodstuffs and All Affiliates."
When The Noser confronted Wilkins with these charges, he vigorously shook his head and smiled even wider.
"No, of course they didn't pay me to advertise for them!" Wilkins cried. "I bought this matching BuDS jumpsuit online by myself. Only $89.99! Get it today!"
